C.O.G. Pilot - ver. 0.93 - 6/8/05
TEASER (30 seconds)
EXT. Stock shot of C.O.G. SECRET LAB
INT. C.O.G. SECRET LAB. Lap dissolves bring us forward through a pile of strange machinery and devices. Pinkerton is hunched over a workbench deep within the Secret Lab, absorbed in the construction of some bizarre electronic creation. Pinkerton is framed by a silhouetted border of wires and gadgets. We close in on his face.
PINKERTON
I've done it! At last, I've finally done it!
Pinkerton's colleagues lean into frame behind him.
DR. Z
Really? You finally found a deodorant
that actually works?
DRUMBOT
So, you finally got to the cartoon on
Super Mario? Congratulations.
RACHNID
Don't tell me you finally decided to get
an actual plumber to fix the toilet?
PINKERTON
No, idiots! Something MUCH more important.
RACHNID
(holding his groin and hopping slightly)
More important than the toilet?
Pinkerton holds aloft the Hypnotronic Helmet.
PINKERTON
Yes! I've finally invented an invention
SO inventive, the very WORLD will have no choice...
no choice at all but to BOW to the C.O.G.!
MAIN TITLES: Bow 2 Me - 1 min.
SEGMENT 1 (7 min)
PINKERTON
Yes! At last, I've done it. Gentlemen,
behold my new invention... the Hypnotronic
Helmet! You are familiar with the term,
M.R.I. are you not?
DRUMBOT
M.R.I.? As in, More Ridiculous Inventions?
Ha ha ha ha
PINKERTON
Silence!
Pinkerton aims a remote at Drumbot and presses it. Drumbot's head falls off. He aims the remote at Rachnid.
PINKERTON
Quick, Dr. A Rachid, what is M.R.I.?
RACHNID
Errr, magnetic resonance imaging?
PINKERTON
Very good! Give yourself a cookie.
Now then, I have taken that simple concept
to a more complex level, producing M.R.A.
- Magnetic Resonance Amplification! This
helmet amplifies my will. Observe. Dr. Z!
Pinkerton puts on the helmet and points at DR. Z
PINKERTON
(continuing)
Here, eat this delicious American
cheeseburger from Burger World!
DR. Z
No! Not the sacred cow! I couldn't...
I mean, I wouldn't... I shouldn't I mean...
... GREAT VISHNU, IT'S DELICIOUS!!!
CLOSEUP on Dr. Z munching down on the burger, with ketchup and mayo spilling out everywhere. Pinkerton turns to Dr. A RACHNID
PINKERTON
Excellent. Now, as for YOU...
RACHNID
(hurriedly)
Correct me if I'm wrong, Dr. Pinkerton,
but shouldn't the next step be testing this
wonderful invention on a group of people?
PINKERTON
And where might we find such a crowd?
DR. Z
How about The Howlin' Wolf?
Drumbot rolls back onscreen reading a Lagniappe
DRUMBOT
Look guys, 'Hot Picks' says Egg Yolk
Jubilee's playing there tonight!
PINKERTON
Excellent, I could use some breakfast!
Gentlemen, to the C.O.G. aircar!
CIRCLE WIPE TO:
EXT. HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB
A sign on the front says, 'Egg Yolk Jubilee - TONIGHT'
INT. HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB
Onstage, Egg Yolk Jubilee is performing in front of an enthusiastic crowd.
Egg Yolk Jubilee introduce a song and begin performing it.
INTERCUT with: C.O.G. getting into Flying Car, C.O.G. travelling in Flying Car, Flying Car landing outside club disintegrating another car in the process of parking, C.O.G. getting out of Flying Car, C.O.G. going into club, Dr. A and Z producing their guitars and brandishing them like weapons. Dr. Pinkerton orders his troops forward through the front door.
INT: HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB
Egg Yolk Jubilee finishes song. In the back of the room, the three scientists are applauding.
PINKERTON
Hmmm lovely, yes, quite nice.
Pinkerton holds aloft a mic attached to the Mezmoronic Ray, which amplifies his voice. A channel forms through the center of the crowd.
PINKERTON
Now then, AHEM. Ladies and gentlemen,
you will kindly step aside in the name of science!
TRUMPET PLAYER (Eric)
Who the hell are you?
PINKERTON
Ahhh. Let me put it to you like this.
Close your eyes. Picture an iron boot
stomping on a human face for all eternity...
WITH RHYTHM! Now, allow me to put a name
to that image! The Consortium of Genius!
Gentlemen, attack!
A lazer battle ensues, Dr. A Rachnid and Dr. Z shooting green beams from their guitars towards the stage. The horn players desperately try to deflect the beams with their brass instruments, but Rachnid and Z continue to advance, with Pinkerton behind them, egging them on.
PINKERTON
Fire at the whites of their eyes!
On second thought, just aim for the head!
Eggcellent, yes that's perfect. I love the
smell of frying eggs in the evening, moohahahahah
BASS PLAYER (Mike)
You got any weapons?
GUITARIST
Uhhh, no I think I left my LAZER GUITAR at home!
DRUMMER
Let's get out of here!
The bassist, guitarist, and drummer sneak around the back of the stage while the horn section is being cut down by the C.O.G. CU on Pinkerton's face.
PINKERTON
Victory is mine! Mooohahahahahahaha!!!!
SEGMENT 2 (7 min)
The stage is cluttered with dead horn players. Dr. A Rachnid is using a MOP to push them off the stage.
RACHNID
Heheheheh I'm mopping up the resistance.
PINKERTON
Errrr... there's something missing but
I can't quite place it...
Dr. Z holds aloft a remote control and presses a button. Instantly, the C.O.G. banners and projection screen unfurl.
PINKERTON
Ah yes, much better! Now then,
Dr. A Rachnid, my podium, if you please.
Dr. A Rachnid places a tiny PILL on the ground and adds a drop of water from an EYEDROPPER. Instantly it inflates into a podium with microphones.
PINKERTON
Excellent. Dr. Z, hand me
the Hypnotronic Helmet!
Pinkerton puts on the helmet. The crowd begins to grow restless.
PINKERTON
Now then, people of earth, your
attention please!
Outside the club, at TV sets in various places, we see Pinkerton's helmeted head.
PINKERTON
Allow me to introduce myself, for soon
my name will be a household word.
I am Doctor Milo T. Pinkerton III,
founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius.
A group best known as the C.O.G.!!!
DR.'s Z & RACHNID
COG!!!
INT: EGG YOLK JUBILEE HIDEOUT
Egg Yolk's bassist, drummer, and guitarist are watching the broadcast on an old television.
PINKERTON
Now then, people of Earth, you stand
at the threshold of a bold vision.
MY VISION! As your new lord and master,
I will shortly issue to you all a command
that will reverberate in your brains
for all of eternity. Your lives as you
know them are over. You will serve ME,
your new blah blah etc. etc.
BASSIST
We've got to stop this. This is the most
un-musical thing I've ever seen.
GUITARIST
Yeah, but how? They've got lazer guitars!
DRUMMER
Hey wait, what's this?
The drummer holds up a VHS tape entitled 'KUNG FU FOR DUMMIES.' He puts it into the VCR and it starts to play, replacing the image of Pinkerton. The three musicians watch attentively.
INT. HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB, front view of stage.
The audience is booing. Dr.'s Rachnid and Z are holding them off with guitars.
PINKERTON
Now then, it is time for you all to
Bow to the C.O.G.!
The audience boos louder...
PINKERTON
I say again, Bow to the C.O.G.!
Pinkerton takes the helmet off and bangs his fist against the side.
PINKERTON
What the hell's the matter with this thing?
RACHNID
You idiot, you spent too long running your
mouth and now the helmet is out of power!
PINKERTON
Errrr... excuse me for a moment, there
will be a slight delay.
(to Rachnid)
Where's the power supply?
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Hey Dr. Dork-face, we paid good money
to get in here and hear some music,
not to be bored to death!
PINKERTON
Death? I've got your Death RIGHT HERE!
DR. Z
(pushing him aside)
Let me handle this...
PINKERTON
What? How?
DR. Z
Mystic mideast mesmerism! Just watch
as I go to work. Oh hello my beautiful
people out there in the audience!
Dr. Z pulls out a spray-bottle labelled 'Camel Pheremones' and starts spraying the audience. Bizarre sitar music starts up.
DR. Z
You are under my spell! I command you
all to have a good time! Everybody say yeah!
AUDIENCE
Yeah!
PINKERTON
Oh for science sake, this is pathetic.
DR. Z
When I say Doctor, you say Z! Doctor!
AUDIENCE
Z!
DR. Z
Doctor!
AUDIENCE
Z!
DR. Z
See how easily I command their minds,
Dr. Pinkerton. Now watch this. I
command you all to dance for my pleasure!
Dr. Z performs FUNKY FRESH. Towards the end the stage is filled with dancing audience members.
PINKERTON
Dr. Z, this ponderous prancing is a
preposterous waste of precious power!
We're trying to take over all of the world,
not take home all the girls!
The people onstage, no longer hypnotized, start muttering impatiently among themselves.
DR. Z
But Dr. Pinkerton, it is in fact the
same thing. Let me explain...
RACHNID
Errr, Dr. Pinkerton, I think the
natives are getting restless...
ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER
Hey, we came here to see Egg Yolk Jubilee.
Bring them back!
DR. Z
Quite impossible.
PINKERTON
They're dead! How on earth could
anyone bring them back?
Rachnid holds up the Book of the Dead. He opens it, and it starts glowing...
RACHNID
Where science has failed, the beyond
shall succeed!
Oh wah... tay foo... li am...
The audience shrinks back as the book begins to hover, glows brightly and a powerful sound begins resonating through the air. The entire building starts to quake...
SEGMENT 3 (7 min)
INT: HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB
CU on Rachnid reading his incantation.
MED shot on a back closet full of trashed musical equipment. Suddenly a rotting HAND juts up into frame.
LONG shot on Dr. Rachnid reading. The book is glowing brightly, emitting streaming energy and the audience is cowering in FEAR. Dr. Z and Pinkerton are shielding their eyes from the eerie light emanating from the BOOK. Dr. Rachnid continues reading.
The undead horn section of Egg Yolk Jubilee shamble towards the camera! Audience members flee the stage.
Dr. A Rachnid shuts the book.
RACHNID
There you go, just what the doctor ordered!
PINKERTON
This is NOT exactly what THIS doctor
had in mind!
DR. Z
What have you done? Using Kandarian
Black Magic to reanimate the dead
is not only dangerous, it's Morally Wrong!
The Horn Zombies begin heading slowly towards Dr. Z.
RACHNID
(fascinated)
And look, they're hungry too!
TRUMPET PLAYER (Eric)
BRAINS!!!!
DR. Z
(running in place with Scooby Doo sound)
Zoinks, somebody do something, fast!
PINKERTON
I know who might be able to help.
(picks up a phone and dials)
I'll just call Yngwie Flattstein,
World Genius of Heavy Metal.
Pinkerton picks up the phone and dials. Within seconds, YNGWIE FLATTSTEIN appears on the back screen.
INT: GUITAR ROOM
A showroom stacked to the gills with an obnoxious collection of vintage guitars. A caption at the bottom of the screen says, 'Yngwie Flattstein, World Genius of Heavy Metal.'
PINKERTON
(via phone)
Dr. Flattstein, we're surrounded
b horn zombies, we're low on spare
brains, and we need some ideas, fast!
YNGWIE
Did you say FAST? My middle name is
FAST... as in 'Fast Licks!' Watch this.
YNGWIE performs some fast licks - closeup on the fretboard.
YNGWIE
Now, let's slow down the lick to half speed
so you can comprehend it at home.
YNGWIE performs the same lick just as fast.
YNGWIE
You see? With my metal-award winning
instructional techniques, available now
for the first time on DVD, you too can
master these and many more monster metal
licks, just like the ones that made me the
six string king of Fat City, Baby!
INT: HOWLIN' WOLF CLUB
PINKERTON
Like the KING? Why, that's exactly
the kind of advice I needed. Thank you,
Yngwie!
(puts on Elvis shades)
Alright, hit it, drumbot!
C.O.G. + Egg Yolk Jubilee perform 'It's Morally Wrong.'
PINKERTON
Excellent! So all we need to do is
keep these guys fed and happy, perhaps
clean the spit valves every now and then,
and we'll have no further problems.
Stand down, colleagues.
Dr. Z and Rachnid remove their instruments.
ZOMBIES
Brains! BRAINS!!!
Z and Rachnid spin the zombies to face the crowd.
RACHNID
Look, there's some tasty brains
right down there in the audience!
Go get 'em boys!
The zombies shamble offstage into the crowd. People scream and run, as they are attacked by zombies. Chaos ensues in the audience.
PINKERTON
Now then, back to work. Is the
Hypnotronic Helmet fully recharged?
DR. Z
Oh yes... in fact, it's got MORE than
enough power. Here you go!
Suddenly, the guitarist, bassist, and drummer from Egg Yolk Jubilee appear at the front door! The drummer is armed with nunchucks made of drumsticks. The bassist has a sword and the guitarist has a pair of Sai.
Bad dialogue dubbing begins here.
BASSIST
Stop right there!
RACHNID
Who are you?
DRUMMER
You might call us... Egg Fu Young!
Attack!
PINKERTON
Is this rebellion? So be it!
At inhuman speed, the three musicians launch themselves at Dr. A Rachnid and Dr. Z. Dr. Z grabs his scimitar and begins a swordfight. The guitarist's flying foot comes crashing into Dr. Rachnid's head. Drumbot reels like a punching bag, taking blow after blow from the drummer's fists.
PINKERTON
Oh no, not in my moment of triumph!
Dr. Pinkerton quickly puts on the helmet. The sound of a power buildup is heard. Below, in the audience, C.O.G. and Egg Yolk Jubilee's guitarist, bassist, and rhythm.
PINKERTON
Now then, people of Earth,
your attention please...
The projection screen behind Pinkerton displays his hypnotronic message - a closeup of Pinkerton's head under the helmet.
PINKERTON
As your new lord and master, I,
Dr. Pinkerton, command you to all
to Bow to the COG. Resistance, as
they say, is futile! Now Bow to the COG!
The battle continues to rage around Pinkerton as he delivers his speech. Closeup shots show various parts of the fight.
Somebody slams into a TV and it switches channels. News broadcasts from around the world reveal leaders of every nation bowing to the C.O.G.
Suddenly, Pinkerton's face appears again...
PINKERTON
Dr. Rachnid, turn down the power level!
It's too much power! Arrrrgh, my brain
is on FIRE! Arrrrrgh, my head feels
like it's going to explode!
Inside the helmet, Pinkerton's head explodes. His body drops to the stage. The whole crowd suddenly stops fighting.
CROWD
Wha?
The guitarist tiptoes up to Pinkerton's body and looks under the helmet.
GUITARIST
He's dead. You killed him.
RACHNID
Do you know what this means?
DR. Z
Yes! Let's party!!!
The crowd cheers, everybody starts partying. Confetti streams down. Science Party plays over end credits.
END CREDITS (1.5 minutes)