THE TIME DOOR The Time Door may LOOK like a simple door with some circuit boards bolted on it, but it's NOT!! It's actually a sophisticated device that allows the C.O.G. to travel through time!! It just LOOKS like a door because we're CLEVER!! That's why WE'RE the scientific geniuses and YOU'RE NOT!! But I digress. THE TIME DOOR uses the principle of focused wave harmonics to open a passage to another point in time, allowing us to retrieve samples that otherwise would have been long dead and therefore useless to the C.O.G., or permitting travel to long-ago eras in order to distort the course of human history! Although THE TIME DOOR has been plagued by malfunctions in its operational history, it remains a valuable tool. And besides, the circuit boards are WELDED on. The Time Door is currently lost at some unknown point in the far future, having been taken on an inebriated joyride by Dr. A. Pentatonic, shortly before being pulled over by the Temporal Police...

THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE Many of the Consortium's inventions are designed to work at close range, on a limited number of subjects at a time. THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE was invented to correct that oversight. Using focused wavelength resonance, THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE has proven capable of destroying anything from obnoxious weather satellites to obnoxious home planets of obnoxious media stars. When hooked up to a visual display device, such as a monitor or the C.O.G's Visorscope, THE RADIO TERRORSCOPE can also be used as a remote scanner with a virtually unlimited range, which gives the C.O.G. the ultimate advanced warning and espionage system... for instance, look at your computer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You call THAT collection of stone knives and bear skins a COMPUTER?!?!? You'd be better off with an abacus!! At least you've got good taste in websites. Go on. Read the next one. We are watching you....

THE MEZMORONIC RAY THE MEZMORONIC RAY was conceived and built specifically to deal with some of the more, er, violent and uncooperative attendees at certain C.O.G. lectures in the past. When fired at a person (or an opening act), it releases a preprogrammed set of precisely modulated waveforms, along with a blinding flash of light, which temporarily scrambles many of the higher functions of the brain. This renders the target... um... victim... uh... SUBJECT docile and easily controlled... manipulated... oh, to heck with it. It works out like this: after we shoot them with the ray, we can then lead them around, sheep-like, and perform experiments on them!! BOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAMAHOY!!!

drumbot Combining cutting-edge robotics with one of the spare cloned brains of the Consortium's own Dr. Procyon Lotor, the cyborg known as drumbot is a revolution in percussion generation technology. drumbot was created when Dr. Lotor was unavailable for a scheduled lecture. Given an extremely limited amount of time to try to find a replacement drummer, the Consortium used the opportunity to prove their genius. Using some items found backstage (old motherboards, twine, hot glue, some surveillance cameras, and a 55 gallon drum of slime), drumbot was quickly and cheaply constructed. Once the life support system was jump-started with a patch cord from one of the amplifiers, drumbot went operational, and has proven to be the most reliable and quite possibly the most popular member of the C.O.G.!

THE GREEN SLIME THE GREEN SLIME is a toxin that the C.O.G. developed some time ago to compete with Ebola and other popular viruses... however, during testing, the virus proved to be not QUITE as toxic as hoped. Interestingly enough, many of our test subjects reported that THE GREEN SLIME had a crisp, clean, refreshing taste before lapsing into their comas. Seizing on this opportunity, we at the C.O.G. are happy to report that soon, in limited test markets, THE GREEN SLIME will be available in 6-packs, 12- and 24-can cases, and 2-liter bottles. Side effects include dizziness, vomiting, death, and high pitched singing. Currently we're working on the 'singing...'

THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUITAR THE WORLD'S LARGEST GUITAR is... well... a misnomer, because the guitar was too large to be constructed on Earth. For this reason and the current cost of rental storage, the guitar was assembled by robot worker drones in orbit around Saturn, because, in all our solar system, Saturn is a different kind of planet. Originally intended to be played through the VLA, or Very Large Amplifier array, the guitar was inadvertantly destroyed in late 1998 in a collision with a huge, heavy metal alien spacecraft from the planet Gibson.

THE DETH LAZER The DETH LAZER is one of the most powerful lazers in the world, although this fact is difficult to appreciate, given the thin, dim, meager looking beam emitted by the DETH LAZER. But don't let that fool you - the DETH LAZER could bore a hole through a 30' block of solid titanium if the titanium block was left sitting there long enough! (20-30 years) Unfortunately, most of the time, the owner of the titanium block returns after half an hour or so... but I digress! Mark my word, if a person were to stand in the path of the DETH LAZER, the beam would literally BORE THAT PERSON TO DETH! And DETH is not a comfortable condition to be in, mark my word!

THE C.O.G. AIRCAR What appears to be a heavily modified early 90's Nissan truck is in fact the Consortium of Genius's primary mode of transportation (except for drumbot, who prefers to get around by emailing himself.) While still relatively airworthy, the vehicle is slowly falling apart. Although Dr. Pinkerton is presumed to have invented the C.O.G. AIRCAR, it is rumored that he merely went forward 40 years into the future using THE TIME DOOR, then purchased the vehicle at a used-flying-car lot for $500...

DR. PINKERTON'S HAIR FORMULA FOR SCIENTISTS Certainly the most hair-aising invention ever conceived by the Consortium of Genius, Dr. Pinkerton's Hair Formula for Scientists exists to help the follically challenged scientist deal with the sudden, dramatic loss of hair that often accompanies higher learning. CLICK HERE (12MB MPEG) to find out whether Dr. Pinkerton's Hair Formula for Scientists is right for YOU!

BEWARE!!!
These inventions are employed separately or together at any given lecture to drive our malign melodic message right through your meager minds!!!