C.O.G. 10th Anniversary Conflagrationver. 6/5/06
Pinkerton: Greetings my erstwhile minions, and welcome to the Consortium of Genius's 10th Anniversary celebration... of DOOM! I am Doctor Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and lead of the Consortium of Genius, a group better known as the C.O.G.
Pinkerton: I didn't quite hear that. Repetez, s'il vous plait.
Pinkerton: Indeed. And I can say with certainty that that wonderful word will soon be on everybody's putrid breath, for it is my intention tonight to commemorate this blessed anniversary in the boldest manner possible! Now, let us begin tonight's festivities with a short prayer. To me.
BOW 2 ME
Pinkerton: Ha! Well, they'll be bowing to me soon enough - for it is now time that I reveal to you all my master plan. Dr. Z, the map, please.
<Dr. Z clicks a remote button and a diagram of the earth is displayed>
Pinkerton: The surface of the earth, much like the surface of the human BRAIN, is pock marked by energy points. Dr. Z, hand me a spare brain and I'll illustrate the theory for you. You have GOT a brain, haven't you? You had a whole bag of them this afternoon!
Rachnid: Errr, I'm afraid the horn zombies ate the last one...
Pinkerton: Then if you two wish to keep YOUR brain, I suggest you procure one this instant!
Dr. Z: I'll just get a brain donor from these peoples over here
Pinkerton: Excellent! This should give me an opportunity to verify the operational status of the Sonic Mind Probe! Now then, Dr. A Rachnid, about these pet zombies you've been keeping, you know, their odor and noise have been causing me quite a bit of consternation lately...
Pinkerton: Now that we have removed the brain from the subject's cranium, we can use a technique similar to acupuncture. For example, by stimulating the occipital motor neuron cortex with a laser, we should see some interesting results... Dr. A Rachnid, the laser, please.
<Dr. A Rachnid aims the Deth Lazer at the brain in Pinkerton's hand and activates it. The beam strikes Pinkerton's hand and he drops the brain.>
Pinkerton: Owwww! Dr. A Rachnid, what are you doing?!??
Rachnid: Heh, sorry Dr. Pinkerton, I was temporarily confused...
Dr. Z: Don't be so hard on him. You yourself were confused earlier today.
Pinkerton: Well THAT was different!
Pinkerton: Ahem. Thankfully, the confusion lifted, so I can continue with my plan! Now then, we were speaking about the BRAIN!!! Now pay attention. As you know, the brain's neural net, like the surface of the earth, contains certain energy points. These points are interconnected by a grid called... anyone? Anyone? Dr. A Rachnid?
Rachnid: Ley lines
Dr. Z: Oh wonderful. The plan is to get laid. I am liking this scheme very much already.
Pinkerton: No, idiot! Any grade A charlatan like Dr. A Rachnid over there can tell you that ley lines are critical fissures to the very molten core of this miserable planet! An energy beam directed equally at the 4 corners of the globe should crack open the fissures, unleashing an energy the likes of which science has never seen. Tonight, colleagues, I intend to test this bold new theory by splitting the earth - in TWAIN! Mooohahahahahaha
Rachnid: But Doctor Pinkerton, where would we obtain such POWER? There isn't enough energy in the whole WORLD!
Pinkerton: Therein lies the key! We can just channel the energy from a parallel UNIVERSE! Observe! Dr. Procyon! Come in, Dr. Procyon!
Procyon: Hey, Milo. I'm all ready to tear a rift in the fabric of space and suck dry five imaginary dimensions, just so you can destroy the Earth!
Pinkerton: In which sense did you mean that...? Just a moment, that's DOCTOR Pinkerton to you! At any rate, is THE MACHINE ready?
Procyon: Yes, but I should warn you... the RE-ANIMATION process might be a little uncomfortable at first. But soon, you won't miss your old bodies at all!
Z: Wait, what are you implying, Dr. Procyon?
Pinkerton: Show him the blueprint!
[Dr. Procyon whips out a sketch of the whole band, labelled 'C.O.G. 2.0 - Animated Back to Life']
Rachnid: Wait, I like my flesh and blood just how they were... I mean ARE!
Z: Dr. Pinkerton, I refuse to go along with something that might result in my premature death!
Pinkerton: Well you know what I say? I say Death to the Angel OF Death!
Pinkerton: Believe me, OUR Death is the last thing I had in MIND! We should all be temporarily protected by the acoustic sound-barrier generated by your instruments of mass destruction. Now then, I have stationed members of the Consortium of Genius at the proverbial ‘4 Corners of the Earth' - the 4 points of maximum power! You could call it a web of geniuses - a worldwide web! Hmmm, catchy name, that, ‘world wide web'. Dr. A Rachnid, trademark that please.
Rachnid: But Dr. Pinkerton I believe that it's already...
Pinkerton: Silence! Now, all we need do now is command them to activate their lasers. Dr. Z! Engage the televideo phone, and place a collect call to the great pyramid of Giza! Come in, Dr. Smerlington. Dr. Smerlington, are you receiving me?
Smerlington: Dr. Cornelius Smerlington here. I have the laser all set up and ready, but Dr. Pinkerton, I've been studying this ancient stone tablet here and it's getting me a little nervous...
Pinkerton: What have you got to be nervous about Dr. Smerlington? Standby to activate your laser on my signal!
Smerlington: But Dr. Pinkerton, it says here that there's a CURSE on anyone who tampers with the sacred stones and that doing so will incur the wrath of the Evil One...
Pinkerton: Evil one, shmeevil one! What's the worst that could happen?
Pinkerton: We seem to have lost reception there while I was describing the admittedly WORST CASE SCENARIO... Dr. Z, call Dr. Smerlington again. Come in Dr. Smerlington...
<the image reappears and Smerlington is surrounded by marching skeletons, and is busy trying to hold them off>
Smerlington: Uhhh.... Dr. Pinkerton... hold on, I'm having a little trouble getting to the laser right now...
Pinkerton: OK... well you just sit tight and await my signal to engage the laser. I'll just check in with Dr. A. Pentatonic. Dr. Pentatonic?
<the image flickers to life - it's Stonehenge!>
Rachnid: Oh no. Dr. Pinkerton, this is a really bad idea.
Dr. Z: Oh no, remember what happened last time...
Pinkerton: Nonsense! It's perfectly safe these days! Mind you...
Pinkerton: Now then, Dr. Pentatonic!
Pentatonic: Ovah here, Dr. Pinkerton!
Pinkerton: Is the laser in place?
Pentatonic: Uhhh yeah Dr. Pinkerton, but I'm getting some pretty heavy readings emanating from the stone circle...
<The demon head begins rising from the stone circle>
Pentatonic: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton I believe we've got a developing situation here... and
<suddenly the connection is broken. The screen fills with static.>
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, you should know better... messing with demonic forces is not only dangerous - it's also quite morally wrong!
Pinkerton: I'll tell YOU what's morally wrong!
Pinkerton: It's time for us to check up on Dr. Wissenschaft, who is presently located in Tibet. Dr. Wissenschaft, come in!
Wissenschaft: Standing by, Dr. Pinkerton
Pinkerton: How goes your search for the Abomiable Snow-creature? Have you located it?
Wissenschaft: Not yeti.
Pinkerton: Urgh! What a horrible pun... well, what HAVE you located?
Wissenschaft: As a matter of fact, I've found a frozen confection whose deliciousness is off the scale. Dr. R. Mondo Payne should be getting a sample of it to you any moment now...
Pinkerton: Ahhh! What have we here?
Pinkerton: Now then, just one more laser to set up - the location: Easter Island! Filbert Snodgrass, report in!
<the screen crackles to life. Filbert appears in front of the famous Easter Island statues>
Filbert: Filbert Snodgrass, reporting for duty! Hahaha, duty!
Pinkerton: Filbert, I have no time for your monkeyshines! Is the laser aimed and ready to activate?
Filbert: Well that's what I wanted to tell you Dr. Pinkerton, the laser is where it's supposed to be I think but I'm having a little trouble aiming it...
Pinkerton: Filbert, Filbert, FILBERT!!! You're obviously having trouble with the AIM because you lack the upper body strength that comes from a correct diet! Why, look at we three strapping individuals! If any of US were there, we'd have no such trouble I assure you. You need to eat right and drink lots of MILK.
Filbert: Awwww Dr. Pinkerton do I really have to drink that bovine lactation? It causes my palette to become besmirched!
Pinkerton: But don't you understand? Some of the most evil geniuses of all time have swilled MILK! Why, even the fierce Viking raiders of old drank gallons of the stuff! ATTEND!
Pinkerton: Alright, turn the screen back on. Good. And that's why you should drink your Milk too, Filbert.
Filbert: You're right, Dr. Pinkerton, in fact, after drinking this MILK, I feel like I could move 10 lasers!
<Filbert stretches out his arms and knocks over the Easter Island monolith, which falls and hits the next one, and so on in a domino effect.
Dr. Z: Calm down, Dr. Pinkerton, he somehow managed to keep from breaking the laser, and that's the important part. There's no need to start a science FIGHT.
Rachnid: Not like LAST night...
Pinkerton: Excellent! Well, there's no need for us to fight each other when our opponent is - the ENTIRE MISERABLE WORLD! Moooohahaha! Now then, come in Dr. Smerlington. How is the skeleton situation?
Smerlington: The skeletons are still here Dr. Pinkerton, but they're not attacking or anything - just marching around!
Filthy: It's kind of hard to fight when you've got no arms...
Smerlington: So, uh, the laser's all ready, but Dr. Pinkerton I still think this is a really bad idea...
Pinkerton: SILENCE! Now then, Dr. Pentatonic, how goes it with you? Is that big fat hairy demon still pestering you?
Pentatonic: Actually no, Dr. Pinkerton. Turns out he was mostly upset about his public image... so I performed emergency gastric bypass surgery and gave him a haircut, and he's all better now.
Belial: Yeah, thanks C.O.G.
Pinkerton: Good thinking there, Dr. Pentatonic! Now then, Filbert. Filbert...? FILBERT!!!
Filbert: Right here Dr. Pinkerton, I was just listening to some hap-hipple here on my ipod...
Pinkerton: Turn that accursed clatter off and pay attention! Now then, ladies and gentlemen. Pay careful heed, for the next few moments mark the turning point of the entire earth. Never again will the miserable masses see fit to laugh at my mighty misdeeds! From this moment forward, I WILL DECIDE WHAT's FUNNY!!! Now then colleagues, you three activate your lasers at precisely the same instant! On my mark... and... NOW!
<The three activate their lasers. Each of them has to cover his eyes from the glare.>
Smerlington: Oh no, Dr. Pinkerton, something is happening...
Pentatonic: The earth is splitting! The sky is turning... PURPLE!!!
Wissenschaft: No! Anything but that?!
Filbert: Oh, Farganargle!!!
Pinkerton: Give me satellite view!
<The earth is seen in space, splitting in half! A red-hot fissure of molten lava encircles the globe, and the halves of the world begin to separate. Silhouetted against the sun, an indistinct figure emerges from the crack...>
Dr. Z: Oh no, what have we unleashed upon the world?
Rachnid: Could it be the Ancient One? Is it Cthulu?
Pinkerton: No... worse.. far worse!!!
<The form comes into focus. It's BARNEY!!! He begins to sing...>
DIE BARNEY DIE
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