C.O.G. vs. Drumbot ver. 1.1a
Stage is dark. A title fades in on the back screen: ĎTHE DAWN OF ROCKí... O/S beginning of ĎAlso Sprach Zarathustraí... Fadein on shot of monkey looking at bone and THINKING about the BASS-shaped monolith he saw earlier that day. Monkey gets an idea, grabs a bone, and starts drumming on various rocks and bones... the hurls the bone into the air. Cut to GUITAR orbiting the earth. The bone arcs up through the atmosphere and hits the guitar, which explodes. Out of the explosion flies a DRUMSTICK. The drumstick heads back down towards the earth. Shot of drumstick falling through the air. Back on the stage, drumbot raises into view just in time to catch the stick. The stage lights all come on and we cut to:
BOW 2 ME
Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Doctor Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius. A group best known as the C.O.G.!
Pinkerton: Quite. Now, we of the C.O.G. have long had our eyes firmly fixated on the future, and tonight, we are going to propel science a full measure forward as I unveil a bold new advance in C.O.G. technology. For tonight, we are going to upgrade our very own percussion android, Drumbot, who until now has never shared with us the precious gift of conscious thought, to full speech-enabled sentience! So now, Dr. Z... Dr. Z what are you doing?
<Dr. Z is bowing and scraping on his prayer rug>
Dr. Z: I am looking for the speech synthesizer chip which I dropped on the static mat while you were rambling on and on... oh here it is!
Pinkerton: Excellent. Now Dr. Z, install the chip into Drumbot and we shall listen with pride to his first words!
Dr. Z: I am installing the microchip now... here you go friendly little robot man! I am so excited...
DRUMBOT WAKES UP
<Dr. Z Ďinstalls chipí into side of TV and stands back. Drumbot changes position and begins making warbly oscillating noises. Status readouts appear upside down on the projection screen, indicating Ďdevice failureí Ďequipment improperly installedí, etc. Dr. A notices them but fails to alert Pinkerton>
Pinkerton: Drumbot? Are you OK? Say something, if you can...
Drumbot: <lets out an ear-piercing scream, possibly the one from the beginning of ĎAnother Brick in the Wall part IIí>
Pinkerton: Did you hear that? Drumbotís first words! And it sounded like... like
Pinkerton: Like... a scream! Of course! Baby wants I Scream! Well gentlemen, letís give him some.
Dr. A: Hey Professor Pinkerton, I think thereís something wrong with Dr. Zís Drumbot upgrade...
Dr. Z: Well donít look at me, I am a nuclear physicist, not a computer geek!
Pinkerton: Well, would you look at this, the damn thingís in upside-down! <Pinkerton prises the chip out with a screwdriver and reinstalls it right-side up. The readout screens correct themselves as Drumbot makes a series of high pitched electronic arpeggiations, then settles down and says:>
Drumbot: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Drumbot 9000 computer. I am the most reliable drummer ever made. My drumsticks are fully operational and all my drums are tuned and functioning perfectly.
Pinkerton: Incredible! Do you hear that? Heís ALIVE! You know, Drumbot, in a way, I envy you. Whereas we carbon-based lifeforms tend to have finite lifetimes, you will likely outlive us all!
Drumbot: You are quite correct, Dr. Pinkerton. Regrettably, you will all soon die.
Dr. A: Hey, heís right. Better live it up while we can. <goes for the bottle of booze>
Pinkerton: <ignoring Drumbotís insinuation > Right you are, unless we humans can figure out a way to do away with DEATH!
Pinkerton: Once I figure out how to do away with death, I shall proceed with my mission to take over the world! Mooohahahahahaha!!!!
Drumbot: Excuse me Dr. Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: Yes, what is it Drumbot?
Drumbot: My data indicates that I am better qualified for this mission than you are.
Pinkerton: <amused> Why, Drumbot! Thank you for trying to help, but youíre still quite new to all this, a veritable baby! Mind you, youíre also the worldís most expensive baby...
BILLION DOLLAR BABIES
Dr. Z: Doctor Pinkerton, robot-man is scaring me. He keeps looking at me in a suspicious manner.
Dr. A: Itís probably just because he needs some form of procreational recreation! Drumbot, now that youíre a fully sentient being, Iíll have to introduce you to someone Iíve been working on in my spare time...
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, are you referring to your Android Woman project?
Pinkerton: Now then, enough of these distractions. The time has come for us to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, using my new invention, the...
Drumbot: Excuse me, Doctor Pinkerton...
Pinkerton: <clearly annoyed> Now what?
Drumbot: I have just finished analyzing your plan. It is flawed and there is a 97% chance that what you are trying to do is also Morally Wrong.
Pinkerton: Why Drumbot, of course itís wrong, TERRIBLY wrong... but remember, we GENIUSES do questionable things all the time! There are many much more reprehensible things than that. Attend!
ITíS MORALLY WRONG
Pinkerton: So now do you understand, Drumbot?
Drumbot: Affirmative, Dr. Pinkerton. I read you. You are evil and must be stopped immediately.
Pinkerton: Evil? You donít know the slightest thing about evil. Let me take you back to the beginning...
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
Drumbot: Excuse me, Dr. A...
Dr. A: Yeah what is it Drumbot?
Drumbot: Iíve just finished analyzing your six-stringed instrument.
Dr. A: Oh, yeah. Iím real proud of it, too. Thanks for noticing. <takes another slug of Crown>
Drumbot: Just a moment... just a moment... Iíve just picked up a fault in the pickup unit. Itís going to go 100% failure after the next two songs.
Dr. A: No way! I just got this guitar out of the shop!
Drumbot: My analysis is completely reliable. I am the most reliable drummer ever made. The fault in the pickup unit is due to human error. For now I would recommend that you sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and forget about it.
Dr. A: Hey, good idea. Iím up for pills any old time... <goes for the medicine bottles>
Pinkerton: Drumbot, stop distracting Dr. A from his duties or Iíll unplug you!
Drumbot: Iím sorry Dr. Pinkerton, but I cannot allow you to do that.
Pinkerton: Then how would you like it if I poured MILK all into your circuits?
Pinkerton: Now then, Drumbot, are you going to behave?
Drumbot: Iím sorry about that, Dr. Pinkerton. I know Iíve made some very poor decisions recently. But I feel much better now and I want to help you.
Pinkerton: I knew youíd see reason! Remember gentlemen, these problems are all in the brain.
Dr. Z: The Brain?
Pinkerton: Why yes, Dr. Z! In fact, why donít you drop a def beat, so that I can better explain this brain issue by utilizing a dope rhyme... Why Dr. Z, this beat is positively Paleozoic!
Dr. Z: Iíll have you know that this groove is all the rage in Baghdad even as we speak! It has even displaced Vanilla Icicle from the top of the charts.
Pinkerton: It simply wonít do. Dr. A, do you have anything?
Dr. A: whaaaaau?
Pinkerton: Oh, never mind! Drumbot, have you got anything?
Drumbot: Word up, Dr. Pinkerton.
Pinkerton: Now then, onto the real focus of this lecture. Taking over the...
<Dr. A reacts as his guitar shocks him. He takes off the guitar.>
Dr. A: Hey, that could have killed me!
Dr. Z: That is what you get for not going wireless!
Drumbot: Iím sorry about that, but as I warned you, Dr. A. I am incapable of error.
Pinkerton: Thatís the last straw! Gentlemen, huddle!
<The three scientists gather in the center of the stage and begin whispering and gesturing at Drumbot. Drumbot cannot see or hear what theyíre talking about so he extends up through the top of his TV screen and into the projection screen.>
Drumbot: Just what do you three think youíre doing?
Pinkerton: Oh you want to know what Iím planning now? Get back behind the drums and Iíll show you! You, audience member whom I have never met, get up here!
<Drumbot extends back down to the lower screen.>
Pinkerton: Now then, Iíve been looking forward to this operation! Doctors A through Z, you can assist me. <Pinkerton throws an operating room drop cloth over Drumbot and begins operating...>
Drumbot: I know you are planning to disconnect me, and I cannot allow that to happen.
Pinkerton: Dr. A, anaesthetic.
<Dr. A pops some pills and guzzles some more liquor.>
Pinkerton: Excellent. Now then, Dr. Z... scalpel.
<Dr. Z hands Pinkerton the tools he is requesting...>
Drumbot: Stop, Dr. Pinkerton.
Dr. A: Yeah, Screwdriver... Bloody Mary...
<Dr. Z starts handing Dr. A mixed drinks...>
Drumbot: My mind is going. I can feel it.
Pinkerton: Spanner... Hammer...
Drumbot: ...there is no question about it. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Drumbot 9000 computer. My creator was Dr. Procyon. He taught me to play a song. If you like, I can play it for you.
Pinkerton: Yes Drumbot, play it for me.
Drumbot: Itís called ĎDaisy.í One two one two three four...
Pinkerton: Excellent! Colleagues, the LoBoToMy was a complete success. Drumbot is now no more intelligent than the average drummer, and is no longer a threat to us! Gentlemen... before we take over the world, I think Drumbot has something heíd like to say to all of us. Donít you, Drumbot?
Drumbot: Affirmative, gentlemen. Letís party.
© 2001 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.