C.O.G. vs. The House of Shockver. 2.1 (10/18/01)
Narrator: Previously, on The Consortium of Genius...
scene 1: int. C.O.G. lab. Pinkerton is in front of a computer, his face illuminated by the screen.
Pinkerton: Take a look at this, Dr. A. It says here on this AOL hosted web site that the holder of the Book of the Dead would possess powers beyond those of any person on earth... hmmm... perhaps it would be a good idea to augment our science by dabbling in the occult... (he starts staring into space)
Dr. Z: This sounds to me like a lot of superstitious claptrap.
Pinkerton: Well, have either of you got any better ideas?
Dr. A: I've got it!
Pinkerton & Dr. Z look hopefully at him
Dr. A: Let's get drunk!
The two glare at him
Dr. A: OK, new plan. You two stick around here, I'll get drunk!
Pinkerton & Z grab him by the lab coat and haul him into scene 2.
Pinkerton: No no no no no, you’re coming with us on this one!
scene 2: C.O.G. map room. Globes and maps are on tables in foreground. A huge weather map is projected on the wall. Pinkerton points to Louisiana.
Pinkerton: The internet indicated that the Book of the Dead was located somewhere in this area, with highs in the mid 80's and lows in the upper 70's. A storm front is moving towards us through the Rockies, so you might want to pack a raincoat.
Dr. Z: All of this superstitious nonsense is a waste of time. We must not allow our eagerness to obstruct scientific detachment. As an old Hindu proverb once put it, 'It is not wise to tip the vessel of knowlege...'
Pinkerton: Fascinating stuff, this Hindu malarky! Gentlemen, to the C.O.G. Copter!!! Dr. A, you drive!
Dr. A: (staggering into frame and then slipping) No probl whoops
scene 3: three scientists are in the cockpit of some kind of flying vehicle, skimming over the treetops. Dr. A is driving, Dr. Z is reading his prayer book, and Pinkerton is gesturing downward
Pinkerton: It appears as if the rift between the realms of hell and earth slightly overlap at only two locations on the globe: the first one, at Stonehenge in Wales, England, and the second, in New Orleans, Louisiana, at some place called the House of Shock. Gentlemen, set the controls for Stonehenge!
The three scientists make their way onto the stage... Dr. 'A' first, followed by Dr. Pinkerton and Dr. 'Z'. Dr. 'A' is carrying a map (upside down). Dr. 'Z' is holding some kind of portable detector, and appears confused by the readings, as he hits the device from time to time and glares at the readout.
Dr. Z: Dr. Pinkerton, please tell me if this confounded device is working correctly. We seem to be heading in the wrong direction.
Pinkerton: Nonsense, Dr. Z. My calculations are quite flawless. You must be reading the gauge wrong! The Book of the Dead is near here, I can practically SMELL it.
Dr. Z: Ohhhh, do not think that I am not skilled in the use of scientific equipment. But I suspect that this is a very bad idea, mixing science with the supernatural.
Pinkerton (ignoring him): Dr. A, I can take few more of Dr. Z's platitudes. Are we there yet?
Dr. A: If I say yes, does that mean we can drop this crap and hit the liquor store? I'm thirsty.
Pinkerton: Gentlemen! Gentlemen. Though we are the Consortium of Genius, a group better known as the C.O.G...
Drumbot pops up and says
Pinkerton: Yes, quite, but I might remind you two that this little quest is about something BEYOND mere scientific reason! The Book of the Dead is our best hope of taking over the world! I would never abandon calm reason for abject superstition, if it did not accelerate my vision of The Future. For, ladies and gentlemen...
BOW 2 ME
Dr. A: Well that's all good and evil, but according to the map, this is where the book is. We are now standing directly in the center of Stonehenge!
DR. Z: Ohhh, Dr. Pinkerton, I do believe we are in the wrong location don't you know.
Pinkerton (ignoring him): This can't be right... there should be some sort of altar here, with large rocks in a circular pattern, and visible signs of spectral activity throughout the entire area...
Dr. A: Well, sorry but according to this map, this is Stonehenge.
Pinkerton: Stonehenge looks NOTHING like this. It's a great stone circle of stones, standing over 18 inches tall...
Dr. Z: Feet. 18 feet tall.
Pinkerton: err, yes, over 18 feet tall, on a flat open plain of grass stretching as far as the eye can see...
Pinkerton: Wait a minute, Dr. A, are you HOLDING THE MAP UPSIDE DOWN?!??!
Dr. A: (begins slowly turning the map while talking) Alright, supposing for a minute that I was. Who's to say that I, in my present state of inebriation, would be doing any better if I was? The fact that I'm holding the map at a 180 degree angle simply means that we should be walking backwards, like Dr. Z's doing! As it stands, I am actually holding the map correctly. You’re upside down. (Reads book, as if for the first time.) Oh Farganargle.
Pinkerton: It would seem that we lack sufficient BRAIN power in this disorganization for even the simple task of retrieving a COG-damned book!
Dr. Z: In that case, why don't we procure a new brain sample from one of these onlookers?
Pinkerton: Ahhh! I was wondering why we were allowing them to live! You, sonny boy, yes, you... come up here. Now then, have you been experiencing any problems with your present BRAIN?
Pinkerton: Excellent, we have a modest brain specimen! Now then, we must utilize this brain somehow to procure the Book of the Dead. But how?
Dr. Z: Allow me to be of assistance. I have prepared for this occasion, a meditative medical dissertation, over a hip-hoppening dance groove...
Pinkerton: Wait a minute... (sniffs at brain)... this brain is dead! It's completely brain-dead! It must have died in the preceeding 4 minutes that we were discussing the brain!!!
Dr. A: (Looking again at the map) Hey wait, Dr. Pinkerton...
Pinkerton: It's futile! I'll never take over the world with this cut-rate assistance! I might as well just go ahead and
Dr. A: PINKERTON! Look, I'm holding the map rightside-up now!
Pinkerton: Well, very good for you!
Dr. A: No wait, see where we are, inside this beer stain here? We're near the House of Shock!
Pinkerton: House of Shock...? Do tell!
Dr. A: Yeah, remember what you said in last week's episode, we can also get to the Book of the Dead from the House of Shock!
Dr. Z: Once again, gentlemen, I feel I must be the voice of conscience here with a word of caution. There are very bad things going on in the House of Shock. Why I heard that just last year, somebody stepped on an innocent little toad that was doing no harm. As a practicing Hindu I would like to remind you not only that killing is Morally Wrong, but you might one day be reincarnated as a toad and
The two others are now staring at Z with growing outrage and incredulity.
Pinkerton: A TOAD? Dr. Z, how little you know of morality! Allow me to give you a refresher course!!!
Pinkerton: Gentlemen, let us return to our flying vehicle for supplies and beer. We will rendevous back here in 30 minutes time and then mount an expedition into the heart of the HOUSE OF SHOCK!!!
The three file offstage
Dr. Z: I am telling you, we're sightseeing in a bad karmic neighborhood here... You will probably be reincarnated as a mouse or something.
Dr. A: Oh like Pinkerton and the Brain, right? Hey Pinkerton, let's hit the Kwik-E-mart, I'm down to my last three bottles of vodka.
The three scientists hit the stage, Dr. Z first, following the readings on some kind of meter, then Pinkerton, and last, Dr. A. Dr. Z backs towards Pinkerton, following the readings on the device he holds in front of him, then tugs on Pinkerton's sleeve to get his attention.
Dr. Z: Gentlemen, according to the parakinetic readings, I do believe we are wanting to go over there (points at the HoS entrance).
Pinkerton: Aha! It must be just beyond that large concentration of people. They are no doubt mesmerized by all the paranormal activity in there. Let us set up our base of operations here, and then one of us, you for instance, (he points at Dr. A, who steps out of the way, leaving Dr. Z to look up from his detector and motion 'ME?') will proceed into House of Shock, and grab the Book of the Dead. No need to endanger all of the C.O.G., not to mention ME!
Drumbot pops up and says, COG!!!
DR. Z: ME?!?? But... it is against my faith in... I mean, to walk the path of enlightenment... what I mean to say is, I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, you of all people should know that there are fates FAR WORSE than death!
Dr. A: Yeah Dr. Z, I mean, we’ve GOT to take over the world, before it gets invaded by aliens driving monster trucks...
Pinkerton: Pay no heed to Dr. A, Z, he’s clearly had too much to drink lately to think clearly. And don’t worry about Death - we’ll take care of him before he takes care of you. In fact, Death to the Angel OF Death!
Dr. Z: Well nevermind Death then. But if you’re right...
Pinkerton: Ah, what you mean to say is, ‘all the time’
Dr. Z: (starting to be annoyed) Yes, but you mentioned a fate worse than death, and I happen to believe in reincarnation, so... what have you got there?
Pinkerton: A remote video televisor, Dr. Z, that will allow us to see into the epicenter of the House of Shock, from our current vantage point.
HAUNTED ROOM VIDEO
The video screen shows a clip from the film ‘Poltergeist’, with the door being opened to a possessed room with objects floating and flying about. Filthy the Skeleton even flies by, quite close to the camera, and says something.
Pinkerton: There, you see? Nothing whatsoever to worry about. Unless you’re afraid of common household appliances! Oh, by the way, if you do happen to encounter that little skeleton, mention to him that we are in need of some good lab help, and we start at $5.50/hour!
Dr. Z: Ohhh, I would not go into that environment, and risk being knocked about the head by a flying toaster or something.
Pinkerton: Well, would you do it for some fine German Ice Cream?
Dr. A: You Scream?
Dr. Z: We all scream.
Pinkerton: For I Scream.
Pinkerton: OK, perhaps I'd better sweeten the deal. In addition to the I Scream, upon exiting the House of Shock, if you are still alive, you will be awarded with a fright insurance policy for a sum not to exceed or equal a Billion Dollars, baby.
Dr. A: A Billion Dollars? Hell, I'd do it for maybe a zillion...
Dr. Z: (stalling) Speaking as the medical doctor that I am, I am apprehensive about going into that dreadful place. What about the possibility of disease?
Dr. A: Yeah, I bet it’s filthier in there than the bottom of Dr. Z's taxi!
Dr. Z: For the love of St. Crispinius, I have never driven a taxi!!! Be thankful you are not in Bangladesh, Dr. A - your feet would be caked with elephant poopies!
Pinkerton: I wouldn't worry so much about disease, Dr. Z! Why, from your commentary, you'd think we were living in the middle ages! What are you concerned about anyway, the Black Plague?
Dr. A & Z: THE BLACK PLAGUE?!??!
THE BLACK PLAGUE
After song, Dr. A turns towards his chemistry set and starts mixing chemicals in a very scientific manner, then pouring the results into a shot glass and gulping it.
Dr. Z: Gentlemen, I have no wish to die at such a tender young age. But there is one thing that might weaken my resolve.
Pinkerton: And what, pray tell, would that be?
Dr. Z: Well, for some time now I have been eyeing Dr. A's new experiment...
Dr. A: (whirls around, suddenly interested) Oh, do you mean my new subatomic drink mixer...
Dr. Z: No, I was referring to
Dr. A: Or maybe you wanted to be the first patient to try out my new, improved proctolopod!
Pinkerton: No, idiot! He's asking about your onanistic substitutionary, anti-procreational recreational robot!
Dr. Z: I am?
Dr. A: Do which what? Man I have no idea what you're talking about, but it sounds pretty good to me. Bottoms up! (he tips back another shotglass.)
Pinkerton: Must I spell out everything in layman's terms? Very well, allow me to refresh your addled memory...
Dr. Z: Well, she can rock me any time, Amadeus! I'll just go into the House of Shock and drop off this little package, and then I'll come back and spend some time with my android harem, oh I am so looking forward to getting this over with...
Dr. Z, bolstered by the song’s manly ending, takes the parakinetic transmitter and strides confidently forth from the stage to enter the House of Shock.
Dr. A: Wait, aren’t you at least going to take a gun?
Pinkerton: He didn’t even bother to apply mosquito or vampire repellant. I sure hope he knows what he’s doing.
Dr. A: Oh well. Wanna go for some beer?
Pinkerton: Thought you’d never ask. (hands Dr. A some keys) You drive - I want to play some gameboy.
Narrator: Will Dr. Z survive for more than a minute in the House of Shock? Will Pinkerton survive more than a mile with Dr. A behind the wheel? And how indeed will YOU survive the suspense? Let’s look at a scene from the next bunsen-burning adventure of The Consortium of Genius!!!
The video screen shows Dr. Z going down the hall in the HoS muttering happily and confidently to himself when all of a sudden a rift opens in midair and Lord Belial’s head appears floating, huge, directly in front of him.
Belial: Who dares to enter my unholy house?
Dr. Z’s hair blows STRAIGHT OUT FROM HIS HEAD as flames rise up in front of him!
Dr. Z: Aaaaaaagh!
Narrator: STAY TOONED for more from THE CONSORTIUM OF GENIUS!!!
Dr. Pinkerton & Dr. A saunter back onto the stage, returning from the Quik E Mart with a full bag.
Dr. A: ...but I can’t believe they carded me!
Pinkerton: Fortunately in the future they’ll know better than to attempt to inhibit the purchasing power of THE CONSORTIUM OF GENIUS, a group better known as the C.O.G.!!!
Drumbot pops up and yells, ‘COG!!!’
Pinkerton pulls a liquor bottle out the bag and examines it
Pinkerton: I believe this fermented distillate is for you.
Pinkerton hands it to Dr. A, who chugs it.
Dr. A: Yeah, they don’t call me Dr. ‘A’ for nothin’! Skoal!
Just then, Dr. Z staggers back to the stage, with burn marks all over his lab coat! He drops the transmitter on the stage.
Dr. Z: Ohhhh, gentlemen. I am in quite a large amount of pain.
Pinkerton: Gadzooks, Dr. Z, you appear to be singed head to toe! You’ve probably also lost a lot of calcium. (Pulls a milk carton from the bag) Quick, imbibe this bovine lactation.
Dr. Z drinks and then spits out and looks at the label.
Dr. Z: MILK?
Dr. A: Damn, bruh, you look fu gai ya’d!
Pinkerton: What did you see in there, anyway?
Dr. Z: Aaaaaagh! It was horrible! And I thought that we of the Consortium of Genius were evil. We’ve got nothing on them! Horror, unspeakable horror!
Pinkerton: You know nothing of horror. Let me take you back to the very heart of horror...
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
Dr. A: Ya know Z, I think you're bein' a big fat pussy... cat. I ain't afraid of nothin. (takes a swig) Provided I'm properly equipped, I've got nothing to worry about. Check out this lil' piece of armament for existance. (Dr. A whips out his Glock and starts rattling off specs.)
Dr. Z: You have no idea what it's like in there! It is a dark and hostile place! There could be a demon around every corner... or a vampire!
Dr. A: Vampires, no problem. (he chambers a round) Sterling silver exploding tip. I'd like to see one of those blood-sucking fruitbats try to bite me!
Dr. A: Hey Pinkerton, before I go, do ya think you could give me some, uhhh, medication? Yeah, a nice cocktail before I go in there, you know, like the army gave the guys in ‘Nam?
Pinkerton: Well, OK, Dr. A. As it stands, I have prepared some immunization against disease. Here - drink this.
Pinkerton hands Dr. A a green flask. He looks at it, then proceeds to mix it with Vodka in a drink mixer, shakes it vigorously, then downs the concoction!
Dr. Z: Ohhhh, bad Dr. Pinkerton. It is not wise to be experimenting upon your own colleagues.
Dr. A: (after drinking the concoction he starts getting more high strung and lucid, as well as military) Hey, that was quite tasty! (holds hand up to eyes) And on top of it, I now seem to have the ability to see through my own skin! What was in that beaker, anyway?
Pinkerton: I'm glad you asked. It was none other than the GREEN SLIME!
Dr. Z & A: THE GREEN SLIME?!?!
THE GREEN SLIME
Pinkerton: Now then, are you adequately prepared?
Dr. A: Uhhh, lessee... weapon, check. Ammo, check. Defenses, check.
Dr. Z: Ohhh, let me give you something else. It is a statue of Vishnu, 1400 years old. It will bring you good luck.
Dr. A: (takes it from him) Hey, thanks a lot Z! That's really considerate of you. Wonder how much the pawn shop would gimme for this piece of crap. (He throws it over his shoulder) One for the road, check. (he shoots another drink)
Pinkerton: And don't forget to keep in constant contact via video.
Dr. A: (He clips a visor onto his glasses) Affirmative, Captain Crunch! (He flips down the visor over the lenses) See ya'll on the other side.
Dr. Z: There goes a brave, but very stupid man.
Pinkerton: Yes, but better him than me! Switch on the videolink!
The screen flicks on. The scene is from Dr. A's POV, and resembles a first-person shooter. Dark shapes flicker and move around. There’s a small map and health indicator, as well as an ammo readout but It's impossible to make out anything in the center viewscreen except for Dr. A's arm holding the gun.
Pinkerton: Switch on night-vision!
The screen goes into eerie night-vision. We’re seeing a view down a corridor.
Dr. A: Affirmative. Night-vision on. I’m getting a heat trace around the end of this corridor. I’m gonna check it out.
Dr. Z: Oh, do be careful Dr. A!
Dr. A rounds a corridor and some kind of small figure jumps out.
Dr. A: Come get some!
Dr. A shoots it repeatedly with the gun and it falls.
Dr. A: Take two bullets and call me in the morning, heh heh.
The camera glances down, to a bigger gun on the ground.
Dr. Z: Oooh, get the gun!
Dr. A: Got it.
Dr. A walks forward around another junction.
Dr. A: No signs of activity. Wait, I'm getting a reading
Dr. A rounds the corridor and peers in. It's the Temple of Evil, all lit up with the BOOK on a pedestal up on the altar, with a shaft of light shining down on it from above.
Dr. Z: Be careful, Dr. A...
Pinkerton: Ignore him, get the book!!!
Dr. A starts into the room...
Dr. A: No problem I whooa!
The huge Belial head floats in through the open door that A came through! Dr. A brings up the gun and lets off three energy bolts, repelling the head back through the door, which A locks.
Dr. A: That'll hold him, but not for long... better get the book.
A closeup shot ripped off of Raiders of the Lost Ark shows Dr. A looking at the book. He scratches his chin thoughfully. He stares at the book, and breaks out a bottle of whiskey, which he looks at, then tips back and drinks. Carefully, he tips the Book of the Dead off the pedestal and replaces it with the now empty bottle and starts sneaking away... just as he's halfway out the room, the bottle slowly sinks into the dais, triggering a really bad bluescreen shot with Dr. A running away, matted over appropriated opening scenes from Raiders.
Dr. Z & Pinkerton: Run Dr. A! Run for your life!!!
The last thing we see is the Demon head rounding a corner. It stares at the camera and shouts,
Belial: Come back here! Return my unholy book!!! NOW!!!!!!
Dr. A makes it back up onstage clutching his guitar and the book, acting completely shell-shocked
Dr. A: Alright, I've got your COG-damned book! But we've gotta get outta here! The DEVIL's after me!
Pinkerton: It can't be the devil.
Dr. A: Yeah, it was the devil alright, huge, bloated demonic face, straight outta hell!
Dr. Z: Yes Dr. A, there is no such thing as the devil. It was probably just Shiva or some other form of minor imp or demon...
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, shut up! Dr. A, it was probably a minor demon or some such. After all, the devil's not in this state - it’s a well known fact that he's in Georgia.
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
Pinkerton: Now then, gather round, gentlemen, and watch as I savor my moment of utter triumph!!! I shall open the Book of the Dead, and thereby gain ultimate power! Mooohahahah..ha heh. Hey, wait a minute, this isn't a mystical tome at all! It's... just some sort of 5th grade biology textbook with a fancy cover...
The head of Belial materializes, huge on the screen!
Belial: Yes, that's right Pinkerton... you didn't think I was going to let you steal my most unholy artifact, did you? The real book of the dead isn't hardbound anyway - it's only out in paperback! Available anywhere... IN HELL!!! Hahahahahaha
Belial's eyes glow and a huge flash illuminates the entire stage, then leaves it dark. On video, Dr. A and Z slowly regain consciouness in a swamp setting. They glance around and see Dr. Pinkerton's empty lab coat and glasses lying on the ground.
Dr. A: Dr. Pinkerton...?
A pulse comes from the chest region of the coat...
Dr. Z: Oh no! All that’s left of him is his heart...
A toad hops out from the empty lab coat!
Dr. A: They turned him into a horny-toad!
Dr. Z: Stop! Come back Dr. Pinkerton!!!
Dr. A & Z pursue the toad through the swamp as we fade to black.
© 2001 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.