C.0.G. vs. The Wrath of Zarglar, episode 0
ver 1.1 (REV. 5/24/99)
PINKERTON Lewis D’Aubin
FILBERT Chris Flattmann
PENTATONIC Jeff King
ARCHER Charlie Tumminello
ZARGLAR Jeff King
NOTE: Stage directions are generally enclosed in <carets>. Underlined sections are sequence starts.
Pinkerton logs in, then Filbert, without event this time. Next comes Pentatonic, who is initially recognized by the computer as ‘Antonioni Pentatonicci, reputed mobster’. Lights and sirens go off… Pentatonic threatens the computer with a gun. The computer re-recognizes him as ‘Dr. A. Pentatonic.’
PINKERTON: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press, allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Doctor Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius, better known as the C.O.G.!
PINKERTON: Perhaps you are all wondering how the Consortium of Genius came to be the ultimate power in the universe. Well, we are serving notice tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that understanding is not necessary, only obedience! At very least, your imminent enslavement by the C.O.G…
PINKERTON: …will be happier than your present, resentful workaday condition! Now I would like you all to open your electronic bibles and join with me in a prayer…
BOW 2 ME
PINKERTON: <aside to Pentatonic> Pentatonic, they’re not obeying… did you by any chance fail to spike all the liquor bottles?
PENTATONIC: <Shrugs> Well sometimes, they're a little tough, y'know? Maybe we should rough 'em up a bit.
PINKERTON: I’ve got a better idea!
PINKERTON: Our stratospheric level of technology will quell this virtual rebellion with one swift stroke! Pentatonic, prepare our greatest invention!
FILBERT: You mean, the Elvisator, or my Brain Transplant Transmitter?
PINKERTON: Neither, imbecile! I refer to none other than THE TIME DOOR!
<Goes to Time Door and sets coordinates>
PINKERTON: With my destruction of the time barrier, the greatest armies of all time are at my ready disposal! Prepare now to meet the mightiest warrior of the 10th Century!
TIME DOOR 1013-1999
<THE ARCHER APPEARS!!>
ARCHER: WHERE AM I?!?!? WHO HAST SUMMONED ME HERE!! SPEAK!!
PINKERTON: (Looking behind Archer to see if the warrior is behind him, examining door, etc.) Ummm, Mister Archer, there was nobody behind you when you entered the Time Door, was there?
PENTATONIC: (Pulling on Archer’s arm) Hey buddy, um, listen up.
<Pentatonic puts his arm around the Archer, leading him away from Filbert.>
PENTATONIC: I got a proposition for youse. I need you to take care of the kid over there.
ARCHER: Dost thou wanst this painful or quick?
PENTATONIC: Uh, hows about painful? I could use a good laugh.
ARCHER: Then he shall suffer from <pulls out rat> the BLACK PLAGUE!!!!
<At the end of the song, the Archer throws a rat at Filbert, which misses him by a mile.>
PENTATONIC: You moron, you missed!!
ARCHER: I can't help it!! My depth perception is off!! It's my war wound!!
FILBERT: Um, mister? What happened to your eye?
FILBERT: Uhhh, Doctor Pinkerton, I’m detecting some kind of incoming transmission…
PINKERTON: Oh, well, look Mr. Archer, here’s a couple of bucks, why don’t you sit down at the bar, get a couple of drinks, make yourself comfortable, and we’ll find you later…
ARCHER: Doest this tavern have mead or ale to quench my parched palate? <Heading off-stage> Ahh, a buxom serving-wench! Hail and well met… thou seemeth familiar in visage, if not in vestige. Have we met?
<The video screen flashes to life…>
ZARGLAR: I AM ZARGLAR OF THE PLANET ZORON!
PENTATONIC: Da planet moron?
ZARGLAR: (enraged) NO, YOU CRETIN, THE PLANET ZORON IV! THE PLANET MORON IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUADRANT! WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DO YOU THINK I…
PINKERTON: WHAT, precisely, do you WANT?
ZARGLAR: OH. SORRY. I AM ZARGLAR, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF MARKETING DIRECTOR OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE OF ULTIMATE EVIL. OTHERWISE KNOWN AS GLUE! <CHORD!>
ZARGLAR: YES, GLUE. HEY, I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE NAME. ANYWAY, WE HAVE REVIEWED YOUR APPLICATION TO ENTER OUR ILLUSTRIOUS LEAGUE OF EVIL, AND WOULD NOT HAVE EVEN CONSIDERED ADMITTING A PRIMATIVE SPECIMEN SUCH AS YOURSELF, HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR YOUR DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET GARGLEPLEX-5 YESTERDAY…
<FILBERT whistles and looks at the ceiling>
PINKERTON: I really have no idea what you’re talking about, anyway, we’re not really interested and…
ZARGLAR: WE WILL ADMIT YOU TO THE GALACTIC LEAGUE OF ULTIMATE EVIL ON ONE CONDITION: YOU HAND OVER ALL YOUR INVENTIONS!
PINKERTON: WHAT??! No I categorically refuse. Pentatonic, pull the plug.
ZARGLAR: <Shaking his fist> YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME!!! I HAVE VERY EXPENSIVE LAWYERS!!!
<Picture fades out. Pinkerton and Pentatonic slowly turn to look at Filbert, who starts backing away>
PINKERTON: FILBERT, have you been playing in the lab after hours again…?
FILBERT: I didn’t blow anything up, honest!
PENTATONIC: <holding up videotape> Then howsabout we take a lil’ look at this here security camera videotape…
FILBERT: I’ve already seen this one, maybe I should go do my homework or something…
PINKERTON: FILBERT!!! Remain right here!
<video of Filbert showing off Radio Terrorscope and blowing up planet>
PENTATONIC: Pinkerton, did you feel a sudden distoibance? As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced?
PINKERTON: Yes I did, Pentatonic, and it was most exhilarating. Congratulations, Filbert, you actually did something really evil!
FILBERT: <distraught> But I didn’t mean to kill millions of innocent…
PINKERTON: This calls for a celebration! Let’s party!!!
PINKERTON: That’s enough celebrating for now. We must prepare for invasion! Those aliens won’t dare mess with us now that I have discovered the secret to absolute power, a secret known only to the despotic, the insane, the megalomaniacal!! With this knowledge, NOTHING shall stand in our way!!!
PENTATONIC: So, whadda got ‘dere, Pinkerton? Some kinda ultimate weapon, or
a magic spell, or sumpthin’?
PINKERTON: No, fool! Something far more devastating! MILK!!!
FILBERT & PENTATONIC: (Aghast) MILK?!?
PINKERTON: Yes, milk! Don’t let the smooth taste fool you! Why, some of
the most insidious villains of all time have swilled milk!! ATTEND!!!
PENTATONIC: Dat’ pretty impressive, Pinkerton. I thought milk was just for
strong teeth and bones.
PINKERTON: Oh, but it is!! And, that’s just another aspect to the pure,
wholesome, homogenized evil of milk!! Because, once you’re finished with
your skeleton, someone ELSE is sure to use it....
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
<The video screen flashes to life. The image of Zarglar once again appears>
ZARGLAR: I AM ZARGLAR, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF MARKETING DIRECTOR OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE OF ULTIMATE EVIL! YOU CANNOT RESIST THE TERROR OF MY INFLUENCE. I HAVE STUDIED YOUR PRIMATIVE SPECIES AND I KNOW WHAT YOU FEAR!!!
PINKERTON: What, a giant mutant rabbit or something?
ZARGLAR: SILENCE!!! WHAT YOU FEAR MOST IS THE BLOODSUCKING TERROR THAT LURKS IN THE NIGHT AND WEARS A CAPE! WATCH WITH HORROR AS YOUR FEARS CONGEAL INTO SOLID FORM AND CLOSE IN TO SEAL YOUR FATE!!! MOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
<screen goes off>
FILBERT: Zoinks! A V-V-V-V-V-V-V-Vampire!!! Scooby Doo, where are you?!!?!
PINKERTON: Now where did that nice fellow in the cape go off to? I could have used his help dusting around the lab.
PENTATONIC: Looks like somebody forgot to wear their Ray-Bans, heh heh…
FILBERT: Dr. Pinkerton, is sucking blood… wrong?
PINKERTON: Yes, Filbert, it is wrong, TERRIBLY wrong, people do wrong things all the
PINKERTON: Well, that takes care of that!! Nothing shall stand in our way!!
<screen blinks on>
ZARGLAR: I AM ZARGLAR, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF MARKETING DIRECTOR OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE OF ULTIMATE EVIL!
PENTATONIC: Hey douchebag, guess what? We don’t give a rat’s ass!
ZARGLAR: SUCH AFFRONTERY WILL BE PUNISHED! EVEN NOW I AM SENDING ONE OF MY MINIONS TO CONFISCATE YOUR MISERABLE BRAINS!!! THEN ALL YOUR INVENTIONS WILL BE MINE! MOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! <fades out>
<materialization sound is heard off-stage>
PINKERTON: Quick everybody, the disguises… <cowboy hats are produced and put on… the Alien walks on-stage>
ALIEN: Greetings, primative organisms. I am looking for the COG. You are Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, I presume?
PINKERTON: Why, no sir... ma'am... whatever you are! I'm Slim Pinkerton, this here is Tex Pentatonic, and this young whippersnapper here is Filbert, the Snodgrass Kid.
ALIEN: Are you not the Consortium of Genius?
PINKERTON: Hell, no!! We're the Cowboys of Genius!!
COWBOYS OF GENIUS LOGO
ALL: YEEHAH!! (or other Western-style celebration noises)
PINKERTON: (Continuing) And we're here to make the world safe for both kinds of music: Country and Western!!
ALIEN: (punching buttons on portable brain scanner) This is impossible. I checked the coordinates twice!
PINKERTON: Now then, what song do you wanna hear?!!?
PINKERTON: Shucks, I ain’t even worked up a sweat yet! YEEEEHAAAH!!
ALIEN: (punching buttons on portable brain scanner) Wait a minute. The brain scanner never lies. You are Doctor Milo T. Pinkerton!
PINKERTON: (Hurt) Well, we may not be the best brains in the country, but we're the best brains IN country!!
ALIEN: You’re not fooling anybody, you know. Now hand over your brain… if you don’t MIND!
PINKERTON: Aha! The brain, and the mind! Little do you know, but they are integrated into the same form factor. Observe!
ALIEN: Now then, the brain!
PINKERTON: <checking his pockets> …could’ve sworn I left a spare brain here somewhere…
< Pentatonic hands the alien a bomb>
PENTATONIC: Happy birthday, you thing from another world, youse!
ALIEN: My work here is finished. I can now return to my home planet....
<The explosion throws Pinkerton to the ground. When he gets up, he appears disoriented…>
FILBERT: Doctor Pinkerton…?
PINKERTON: Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen… you’re too kind. And now, we’d like to do a lil’ something for all the lovely ladies in the front row, and beyond....
ALL I WANNA DO IS YOU
<Near the end of the song, Pentatonic, who has had quite enough, pulls the Mezmoronic Ray and aims it at Pinkerton. Filbert sees this and grabs the keyboard.>
FILBERT: NOOOOO!! LOOK OUT!!
<Filbert takes a mighty swing back and hits... Pinkerton.>
FILBERT: Oops.... Dr. Pinkerton? Are you all right?
<The viewscreen flashes on. Zarglar appears>
ZARGLAR: YOU HAVE NOT ONLY FAILED TO RESPECT MY AUTHORITY, BUT YOU HAVE ALSO DESTROYED MY FAVORITE MINION! FOR THIS YOU WILL SUFFER AT MY HANDS! PREPARE FOR THE COMING OF ZARGLAR!!!!!
<blank stares all around>
ZARGLAR: THAT’S ME, YOU DOLTS!
PENTATONIC: <kicks Pinkerton’s lifeless form> Oh shit, Pinkerton wake up! We’re about to be invaded!!!
PINKERTON: Where am I? What is this place? Where’s Lewis? (etc…)
<Pentatonic picks Pinkerton up and seats him in a chair and slaps him around a little. He then turns a harsh light on him and begins the cross-examination>
PENTATONIC: Alright, just the facts Pinkerton. Where were you on the night of the 12th?
<Pentatonic paces back and forth behind the chair, jabbing his finger out as he grilles Pinkerton>
PINKERTON: I don’t know.... I feel... odd. Confused....
PENTATONIC: Confused, eh?
PENTATONIC: Well, tell me what ya do remember…
<At the end of the song, Pinkerton stumbles a little, as if still dazed. Filbert goes to steady him.>
FILBERT: Dr. Pinkerton, are you all right?
PINKERTON: FILBERT!!! Get your grubby hands off of my freshly pressed lab coat! <pensive> Now then, how do we repulse this alien invasion?
PENTATONIC: I got it! I’ll just place a call to Angelo Morte. Better known to ya’ll as the Angel of Death. He’s our finest hit man. <dials number> Yo D? Dr. A. Yeah. Keenetra? Fuhget about it! Hey, I need to ask ya a lil’ favor. Got some rats I want taken care of.
PINKERTON: Do you really think that will work?
PENTATONIC: Hey, the Angel of Death NEVER fails… ‘course it'll take a little while for him to show up....
PINKERTON: In the meantime, I would suggest breaking out… the HEAVY METAL ARTILLERY!!!
DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH
DEATH: Doctor Pinkerton, I have come to rub you out!
PINKERTON: No, you were supposed to kill the alien! If you just wait a few minutes I’m sure he…
DEATH: Well you’re dead now, so shut up!
PINKERTON: Well that was rather pointless…
FILBERT: <points off stage> Doctors, look!!!!
<Zarglar waddles on stage. He’s a lot shorter than he looked on screen.>
ZARGLAR: WITNESS THE MIGHT OF ZARGLAR!!!!
<all three scientists are having a hard time keeping straight faces>
PENTATONIC: Ya know, ya look a lot bigger on TV.
ZARGLAR: SIZE IS IRRELEVANT!!! YOU WILL NOW SURRENDER YOUR INVENTIONS TO ME!!!
PINKERTON: OK!!! I’ll start by handing over the Sonic Mind Probe!!!
ZARGLAR: THE WHAT?
PINKERTON: The Sonic Mind Probe!!! Our most… powerful invention! Why, just look at the intricate construction. Here, let me show you how it works!!!
PENTATONIC: Nice woik there, Pinkerton.
PINKERTON: <squeezes brain> Yes, it would appear that we have the situation well… in hand.
<Pinkerton and Pentatonic lead the now brainless Zarglar off stage. Zarglar tries to reach for the brain>
PENTATONIC: I think this guy could use a new pair of shoes. Of da concrete variety.
<Filbert glances left and right, then wanders slowly over to Pentatonic's guitar. Gingerly he picks it up. He then produces a tape player, puts it in front of a microphone stand (where the keyboard was) and hits "play".>
ANNOUNCER (aka Filbert): Ladies and gentleman... FILLLLLLL-BERRRRRRTTTT SSSSNNNODDDGGGRRRASSSSSS!!!!
<At the end of the solo, Filbert hastily produces a rag and rubs it over the guitar as Pentatonic and Pinkerton return with a beaker of green liquid>
PENTATONIC: Dat was easy.
PINKERTON: Productive too, once we got him into the Juice-O-Tron.
PENTATONIC: <notices Filbert for the first time> Hey, put down that piece or I’ll knock yer block straight into New Joisey!
PINKERTON: You know, I don’t really know what the effect of liquified alien would be on the human nervous system.
PENTATONIC: Yeah, so we’ll try it on Filbert first.
<Pentatonic pulls Filbert’s hair back and Pinkerton dumps the slime down his throat. Filbert starts to spaz out>
PINKERTON: How would you describe the aftertaste? Appaling or unearthly?
PINKERTON: Now then, on to the next subject of our discourse...
ZARL: Excuse me...
PINKERTON: Now what??!? Who in blazes are you?
ZARL: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Zarl Zerlingberg, attorney at law. I represent the late Zarglar Blinks. I am here to serve you a cease and desist order, effective immediately.
COP: You’ll have to leave the stage immediately.
<Pentatonic catches sight of the cop and surreptitiously leaves the stage.>
PINKERTON: Cease and desist? On what grounds??!?
ZARL: Wanton and reckless destruction of the planet Gargleplex 5, copywrite infringement on behalf of Warner Brothers, Lucasfilm, 20th Century Fox, the Estate of Edward Wood, the Geniuses of Destruction,... etc.
<Filbert surreptitiously leaves the stage when the planet is mentioned...>
PINKERTON: This is an outrage! You’ll never take me alive! Injustice will be served! Pentatonic! Come back here! FILBERT!!! Idiots, you’re all idiots!!!
© 1999 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.