'IT' ver. 4/29/09
Pinkerton: My fellow scientists, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press. Allow me to introduce myself, for soon, MY NAME will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius - a group best known as the C.O.G.!!!
Pinkerton: Excellent. Now then, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves, for I am about to describe to you my latest, greatest scheme for world takeover. What if I were to tell you that by pressing a button, I could erase the entire internet?
Z: Dr. Pinkerton, excuse me for interrupting you, but I have been reading the sacred scrolls and according to prophecy, there's something that's going to interfere with your plan...
Pinkerton: Dr. Z, are you referring to the apocalyptic year 2012 again?
Pinkerton: Are you speaking of that swine flu you were working on?
Z: No, and the prophet forbids us to call it that.
Pinkerton: Well, what SHOULD I call it... the Black Plague?
ALL: The WHAT?
Rachnid: Uhhh, Dr. Pinkerton, Dr. Z is right, according to the book of the dead, IT is coming.
Pinkerton: IT? What is IT?
Rachnid: It cannot be stopped! It will destroy all that stand in Its way!
Pinkerton: Whatever It is, It can't possibly be worse than the Green Slime!
Z: Dr. Pinkerton, the Green Slime is NOTHING compared to what the ancients warned about IT.
Pinkerton: Look you two, there are proper defences against this sort of supernatural claptrap. If you're being attacked by zombies, for instance, you merely have to outrun your friends! If vampires are bugging you, apply garlic aftershave! And if you're pestered by severed crawling limbs, I have a special warning for THAT.
Lab Girl: Hey Dr. Pinkerton, the guys are serious about IT. For one thing, it's a lot bigger than the Hand.
Rachnid: Yeah, it's huge!
Pinkerton: Alright, Rachnid. You're the leading expert on the unknown. What, in your expert opinion, should we do?
Pinkerton: The creep? That's what you'd do if IT attacked? I don't think you're taking this threat seriously at all!
Rachnid: Actually, I'm really looking forward to IT's arrival!
Pinkerton: Is that so? Well, Dr. Z, do you have a remedy?
Z: Yes I do.
Pinkerton: Well, let's try it on somebody. Take this. Hmmm, no effects so far...
Z: Of course not, it's just a Placebo.
Pinkerton: You two are useless! Lab Girl, you're cleverer than both of them put together. What would you do about... IT?
Pinkerton: I've heard enough. I've had it!
Rachnid: Really? What was it like?
Pinkerton: No, I was just speaking figuratively. I suggest we arm ourselves against IT. That's the way we were brought up back home.
Z: Where do you mean?
Pinkerton: I mean, where I was born... in the South!
Pinkerton: Alright. I've got the Deth Lazer here, I'm mentally prepared to fight IT. But how will I know what it looks like?
Rachnid: Oh, you'll know it when you see it.
Pinkerton: Excellent. Well I've got the lazer, you've got the Book of the Dead for whatever that's worth, and Z, your own funkiness should be armor enough. Lab Girl - what is your defense against IT?
Lab Girl: I Scream.
At this point, the giant cockroach bursts into the room!
Pinkerton: Oh my C.O.G., it's horrible! Cover your ears, I'm going to fire!
Rachnid: No wait, Dr. Pinkerton, that's not IT!
Pinkerton: What?! Rachnid, find out what he wants then.
Rachnid: He says he'll tell you how to defend yourself against IT in return for some spoiled MILK.
Pinkerton: OK, what's the big secret?
The roach whispers in Pinkerton's ear.
Pinkerton: Duck? What kind of advice is that?! That's it I've had enough! I don't believe in IT! I don't think IT exists! You, over at the merchandise table - have you seen it?
Pinkerton: Doorman - do you see it coming up the street?
Z: You're making a big mistake, it's almost here!
Rachnid: Yeah, you're gonna get it!
Lab Girl: I'm just glad it's almost over!
Pinkerton gets killed by IT.
Z: It wasn't what anyone was expecting, but it's still a good outcome... for now I can get funky!
© 2009 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.