Pinkerton for President ver. 2.1b
<At the end of Antarcticaís set, Pinkerton has their doctors round them all up, then announces that theyíre being taken off to be executed! As theyíre dragged away, they vow horrible REVENGE.>
PENTATONIC: You want I should turn the lights on, Pinkerton?
PINKERTON: Yes, and one more thing...
PENTATONIC: Yeah whut is it, Pinkerton?
PINKERTON: Iíd like you to find all copies of that accursed newsreel, and burn them! It makes me look bad, and I canít be looking at all less than perfect if I hope to have any chance of getting those moronic voters on my side and winning this accursed, interminable election!
PENTATONIC: But Dr. Pinkerton, the electionís already ov...
<Suddenly realizes thereís an audience. Puts on a big fake smile, ignores Pentatonic>
PINKERTON: My fellow... AMERICANS, ladies, gentlemen, and members of the worldwide press! Allow me to introduce myself, for soon my name will be a household word. I am Dr. Milo Thaddeus Pinkerton III, founder and leader of the Consortium of Genius... and your next president!!!
ALARMING MUSIC FANFARE
PINKERTON: Yes, I am declaring myself a candidate for President of the United States!! Dear voters, my vision of the future is a simple one, one that I will share with you now...
BOW 2 ME
PENTATONIC: Pinkerton, I donít know if youíve been keeping up on current events, but the election was four days ago. You los...
PINKERTON: Ladies and gentlemen, my campaign advisor, Dr. ĎAí Pentatonic. Now then, back to my presidential campaign! Choosing a leader is an important responsibility. As a voter, you should not let yourself be swayed by soundbites or cheap gimmicks. So to help you make the right decision, Iím going to start giving out free ice cream! Ice cream for everybody!
<He starts handing out ice cream to audience members>
FILBERT: Hey I love ice cream! Do you have any more left?
PINKERTON: <stops> Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce my campaignís official coffee boy and gopher-in-chief, Filbert Snodgrass, junior scientist in training. Take a bow, Filbert.
FILBERT: <acting kind of nervous in front of all the people> Hello everybody out there... doctors and nurses and... <back to Pinkerton> Can I have some ice cream now, Dr. Pinkerton?
PINKERTON: Filbert, contain yourself! You donít want this ice cream, itís laced with mind-altering hallucinogens! You see, it affects people rather like television, causing them to become confused about the issues! Under those conditions, I canít lose!
PENTATONIC: Ya damn right youíre confused. The electionís ovah! YOU LOST!
FILBERT: Yeah. I voted for the guy who invented the Internet.
Pinkerton & Pentatonic glare at Filbert...
FILBERT: Well, he SAID he did!!!
PINKERTON: Well why didnít you TELL me the election was over? I must think....
LIGHT BULBS DING
PINKERTON: OF COURSE!!!! The Time Door!! We can use the COGís greatest invention, the Time Door, to travel back one year to implement our plan!! Weíll have all the time we need to perfect our campaign until no one can resist us!!!! Later, weíll just return to the year 2000 and assume absolute power!!!
PENTATONIC: Sheesh, do we really have to do this?
PINKERTON: Of course! THE TIME DOOR!!!!! Into the Time Door everybody!
TIME DOOR 2000-1999
PINKERTON: There, now weíre back in good old 1999! Remember Filbert? You were only 47!
FILBERT: But Dr. Pinkerton, isnít going back in time to throw the election morally wrong?
PINKERTON: Why Filbert, Filbert... FILBERT! Of course itís wrong, terribly wrong, but then, people do wrong things all the time. Observe...
PENTATONIC: Yeah, well that kind of self-righteous BS probably has the opinion polls sky high right about now!
PINKERTON: Just as I intended! Filbert, punch up the public opinion polls on your computer.
FILBERT: Okey-day! <Filbert starts punching lots of keys on his computer.>
OPINION POLL 1
PINKERTON: Why look, Iím pulling ahead of the pack in the over 60 bible-belt bracket! An excellent opportunity to talk about my position on health care. You know, in the near future, health care will be on everybodyís mind, when I CONTAMINATE THE COUNTRYíS WATER SUPPLY WITH THE MOST VILE DISEASE KNOWN TO MAN - The Black Plague!!! Why itíll be just like...
PENTATONIC: Hey Pinkerton, you sure picked a lousy time to release the Black Plague... Filbert, give me some figures.
FILBERT: <punching buttons on computer> Farganargle! You public approval rating is dropping like hotcakes!
PINKERTON: Well now, I didnít intend to simply unleash a problem upon humanity without any possible solution! That would violate the Stereotypical Evil Genius Obligatory Code! What I propose is a new race of people... genetically superior stock that can resist any disease! A union of man and machine that will make health care obsolete! Meet the first prototype... her code name: ANDROID WOMAN!
PINKERTON: Think of the advantages of life as a cyborg, Pentatonic! Break a leg and, instead of a trip to the hospital, you merely visit the hardware store! Pentatonic... Pentatonic? Are you listening to me?
<Pentatonicís busy hooking up with the Android Woman>
PENTATONIC: <Steps in front of the Android Woman> Uhhh, yeah, hey no problem, I was just now makiní up a TV commercial outta these old lecture tapes.
PINKERTON: Ahhh. Letís have a look...
Pinkerton for President Commercial
<narrator lines appear as text while they are read...>
NARRATOR: Are you tired of candidates who know even less about the issues than you?
<Pinkerton at podium with flags behind him>
PINKERTON: Iím smarter than you, I know more than you, I have a larger brain than you...
NARRATOR: Are you sick to death of voting for candidates who offer you nothing in return?
PINKERTON: I promise you the moon!
NARRATOR: Instead, letís vote for a man who makes most look stupid by comparison. Dr. Pinkerton.
<interview with microphone>
MELISSA: ...well Iíve known Dr. Pinkerton for a long time and heís never done
<...rest of line is badly dubbed while Melissa remains on screen getting more and more irate...>
JEFF IMITATING MELISSA:...anything to make me not want to vote for him...
<Pentatonic appears behind a desk with littered with guns, knives, bag of coke, etc.>
PENTATONIC: Once Pinkertonís in power, things are gonna be a lot different. For one thing itíll be helluvalot easier to get away with murd...
NARRATOR: And if elected, Dr. Pinkerton has something to give every American citizen.
<podium shot again>
PINKERTON: I promise you the moon!
<fade in visual representation>
PINKERTON: Yes, my fellow Americans, if elected, I will destroy the moon, breaking it into tiny fragments, which I will personally distribute to each and every American!
NARRATOR: And if you donít vote for Pinkerton, well, letís just say the results would be quite painful.
<interview outside of McDonalds play area>
FILBERT: He gave me a wedgie!
NARRATOR: Vote for Pinkerton. You just canít do any worse!
PINKERTON: I promise you the moon!
NARRATOR: Paid for by evil geniuses in favor of electing Dr. Pinkerton dictator.
PINKERTON: Not bad... I quite liked that crap about the moon...
FILBERT: Hey, Doctor Pinkerton, youíre gonna love this... Iíve got a theme song for your campaign! Yo, check this out!
PENTATONIC: Awww, now whatís wit that whack groove?
FILBERT: Itís Hap-hipple!!
PINKERTON: Filbert, what is this? Itís neither old school, nor is it new school. Hmmm, something more akin to PRE-school if you ask me. Pentatonic, rectify the situation!
PENTATONIC: Yo Drumbot, hit it!
PINKERTON: Now then, how are we doing with the white vote?
PENTATONIC: Whaddya mean, middle America?
PINKERTON: No, I mean the REALLY pasty pale white, dressed in black, sleep in a coffin vote!
FILBERT: Oh, the vampire voters!
PINKERTON: What would you know about vampires, Filbert?
FILBERT: Iím actually close personal friends with some of them! Theyíve been showing me some of their gothic line-dances. Like this one!
PENTATONIC: Now itís dat time for a Ďtown hall meetingí, where we take a question from an ordinary citizen, someone we donít even know, someone who needs ta know where Pinkerton stands on tha issues. How Ďbout... you! With the mullet.
<hands a mic down into the audience>
ACHEY: Iím a conservative voter, and Iíve got one important question. Where do you stand on the whole death issue?
PINKERTON: I say unequivocably, Death to the Angel of Death!
DEATH TO THE ANGEL OF DEATH
<middle of song>
PINKERTON: So, Death, can I count on your vote in this upcoming presidential election?
Death: Uhhh, sorry, Iíve already made my decision. Iím voting for the Evil One. Hope you donít mind too much...
PINKERTON: Screw you! <BANG>
PINKERTON: Another question from the idio... audience. Please.
PENTATONIC: You. Ovah dere...
PINKERTON: What? I didnít hear... <whatever they said, itís irrelevant.> Ahhh, yes. You want to know about the Viking Vote? Well I intend to MILK it for all itís worth!
PINKERTON: Now then, Filbert... give me a new report. How are we doing in the polls?
OPINION POLL 3
FILBERT: OK Iíll just check the computer... <Filbert starts typing, the computer gets a Ďprotection fault.í Filbert punches the keyboard with his fist, then takes a sledgehammer and starts smashing the computer. Meanwhile...>
PENTATONIC: You really trust those figures, Pinkerton? I mean, numbers can be manipulated so easily, provided you know the right people...
PINKERTON: (absently) Yes quite... ahhh, Filbert, what are the results?
FILBERT: Well, weíre WAY up with the geek vote, but down in all other categories...
PINKERTON: Then weíll simply have to raise some votes... and voters... from beyond the grave!
PENTATONIC: Now howís a corpse supposed to cast a vote?
PINKERTON: The recipeís easy for animating the dead, Pentatonic - take ten thousand skeletons, and just add... EVIL!
MARCH OF THE SKELETONS
PENTATONIC: Yo Pinkerton. Weíre missing one lilí thing.
PINKERTON: Eh, Pentatonic? What are we missing?
PENTATONIC: Da foist ho... I mean, lady. Foist lady. Yeah. Every president in historyís got one, but seeiní as how you nevah even go out, I mean, youíre always just holed up in tha lab ovah dere...
PINKERTON: Then I shall simply have to catch one from the audience. With a little appropriate music. Maestro, please.
ALL I WANNA DO IS YOU
<During the song, Antarctica vs. The World reappear, and get riled up by the soft music and incindiary computer messages. They slowly and threateningly approach the stage on all sides!>
PENTATONIC: Yo Pinkerton... those assholes from Antarctica! Theyíre back! <Starts trying to find his gun>
PINKERTON: (Ignoring Filbert) Impossible! I had those dangerous lackbrains taken care of an hour ago! This political experiment has become quite a dismal failure!
FILBERT: Oh Farganargle! Uhhh... Doctor Pinkerton, may I be excused?!?? I really have to go to the little scientists room!
PENTATONIC: Pinkerton you idiot, that was a year in the future! Weíre in the past, remember? Therefore, theyíre still alive!!! Hey, my gatís missiní! Filbert, whereís my gun at?
FILBERT: Uhhhhh, no problem, Iíll just be leaving now!
<Filbert bolts. The Antarcticans are making their way onto the stage now...>
PINKERTON: Crimony, and Iím quite out of practice with regards to pugilistic fisticuffs! I do believe weíre done for!!!
<All the lights go out. On the screen in big letters:>
IS THIS THE END OF THE C.O.G.?
WILL THEY BE BRUTALLY MURDERED ONSTAGE?
WILL THEIR EVIL FINALLY BE DEFEATED?!?
WILL FILBERT EVER GET LAID?!??! (Ladies - call the Snodgrass Love Line (504) 888-9080)
<The lights go back on. Antarcticans are being led offstage by their handlers. Theyíre shouting at the scientists about exacting horrible revenge in a week.>
PINKERTON: Excellent job calling up those other scientists, Filbert! I believe youíve earned your reward...
FILBERT: What, youíre actually going to make me a full fledged scientist?!??!
PENTATONIC: No Filbert. Once again, youíve earned the GOLDEN MONKEY AWARD.
FILBERT: Oh boy, monkeys! Iím a friend of the monkey! Letís party!!!
PINKERTON: Yes, tonight weíre going to party like itís... THIS YEAR! Hit it, Filbert!
PINKERTON: Now then, to pledge your support for President Pinkerton, Iíd like you all now to report immediately to the back of this room and purchase this primative audio disc! It has an entire semesterís worth of audiosonic material for your listening pleasure, and tonight, it costs a meager $10.00!
PENTATONIC: Proceeds to go to our favorite charity - ME! I mean... science. Yeah, datís it.
FILBERT: Buy our 8-track record album cassette, or Iíll shoot you with my deth-lazer!
<leave lights down, last screen says ĎENCORE! ENCORE!í>
PINKERTON: You havenít yet had enough?!?? Well, alright. Sheesh, itís the first time I ever saw my students asking to extend their class time... Now then the next subject in your political science course concerns the brain. Speaking of which, where is the brain? Have you seen the brain?
PENTATONIC: No I ainít seen tha brain.
PINKERTON: Whereís that confounded brain? Oh very well, I shall have to obtain one. You, you there with the fermented ale, put that down and come up here...
PINKERTON: Now then, without your brain, you probably donít have a clue about whatís currently going on. Allow me to rectify that situation. You were probably quite confused for years about your self-identity. I can tell you unequivocably, now, youíre a man!
NOW YOUíRE A MAN
FILBERT: Alright New Orleans Louisiana, weíre The Consortium of Genius, drink up, donít forget to tip your bartender, see you next time! etc.
PINKERTON: Goodnight! Drive recklessly! We hate you all!!!
BIG ENCORE ENDING
© 2000 The Consortium of Genius. All Rights Reserved.