The Miseducation of Filbert Snodgrass ver. 1.0
Filbert starts the show with a lame stand-up comedy routine, spoofing the various comics that performed before the C.O.G., and imitating Dr. Pinkerton, who finally walks onstage with Pentatonic and yells:
Pinkerton: Filbert!Donít you realize that these idiotic antics of yours will do nothing but delay your final exam? Now pay attention!!! (to audience) Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but there must have been some sort of a mixup. This is not a lecture by the Consortium of Genius, that maleficent mob of men known in certain circles as the C.O.G...
Pinkerton: Yes, quite, but rather, we are attempting to complete the continuing education of young Filbert Snodgrass here, so that he can attain the ranks of such masters of mad science as Dr. A. Pentatonic over there...
Pinkerton: Much less myself, Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III... so you can all go home now. Shooo. (to Filbert) Now Filbert, you really must learn to behave! The decorum of a scientist is one of dignity and respect. How else can you expect the subservience of the population of the earth? Speaking for myself, of course...
Bow 2 Me
Filbert: Haaaaay! I get it! Iíll use my diploma to get chicks!
Pentatonic: Heh, it takes more than a diploma, Filbert, ya know ya gotta have connections. Now a mack daddy like me for instance knows quality when he sees it - just lookey over here at this new invention from my electronic escort service.
(Pentatonic pulls the silver spray-painted love doll from behind the amps. Filbert is quite interested...)
Pinkerton: Why Pentatonic, youíve outdone yourself. It appears to be the robotic equivalent of an Android Woman!
Filbert: Oh boy, a girl! (Filbert grabs the doll and starts trying to talk to it)
Pentatonic: Careful with the diodes dere...
Pinkerton: Are you sure sheís safe?
Pentatonic: Well, I understand sheís in final testing right now!
(Filbert gets carried away and when he kisses the doll, gets a big electric shock)
Pinkerton: Filbert, thatís no way to treat a female of the opposite sex! You must be suave and debonaire, like so...
All I Wanna Do Is You
(Pentatonic can finally take no more of this and clobbers Pinkerton with something.)
Pinkerton: (with harsh country twang) Now Filbert, pay attention, yer gonna be tested on this Ďun... when yer ropiní a steer, ya gotta have yer hands on the rope, a hat on yer head, (puts on the hat) a smile on yer face, and a song in yer heart! Then youíll feel as free as a dang olí bird, yeeeeeeeehaaaa!
Pinkerton: Ya know, that lilí ditty reminds me of a time I plumb nearly fell off ma horse...
Pentatonic: Hey Slim, lookee through these binoculars, I think thereís a claim jumper on yer property ovah dere... (guides Pinkerton to the Mind Probe)
Pinkerton: Where? Ding - dangit I canít see squat through this thing!
Pentatonic: Jest keep lookiní... (turns the thing on)
(Pinkerton is knocked back, and slowly recovers.)
Pentatonic: Heh heh
Filbert: Doctor Pinkerton, are you alright??!
Pinkerton: FILBERT, get your grubby hands off my freshly pressed lab coat! Now lets see, where were we?
Pinkerton: Just a second, I remember now. I was about to quiz you on the human brain! Of course, we need a brain sample first (checks pockets).... wait a moment, Iíve got an idea!!!
Pinkerton: Using the C.O.G.ís greatest invention, the Sonic Mind Probe, I shall procure a brain sample to use for the exam. Now all I need is a volunteer.... YOU! Drop everything and get your cranium up here! etc...
Lo Bo To My
Pinkerton: OK, weíre finished with you, go back to your seat, you miserable wretch. No, that way. Good, excellent, let us begin. Now Filbert, identify... THIS portion of the brain.
Filbert: Hey, thatís a brain!
Pinkerton: Of course itís a brain you idiot, but which part am I pointing at?
Filbert: The smelly part? No wait, I know, thatís the Guitar Center of the brain! Or is that the other part? Oh, farganargle!
Pinkerton: It would appear that a refresher course is in order...
Pinkerton: Now then, we come to the chemistry section of the exam. (Wheels out cart with bubbling beakers and test tubes.) I would like you to identify this chemical compound... (hands Filbert the beaker of Slime)
Filbert: Sure, I trust you guys. (Drinks beaker) Gaaack.... whoooooooooooooo!
Pinkerton: OK, extra points for delivering the answer in Swahili... but what is the full name of the compound?
(At the end of the song, Filbert becomes increasingly agitated and collides with the cart, knocking everything over.)
Pinkerton: Filbert! What have you done?!! I was using those test tubes to cultivate a sample of the Black Plague!
Filbert: The what??!
Pinkerton & Pentatonic: THE BLACK PLAGUE!
Pinkerton: Congratulations, you have now arrived at the Cryonic section of the exam. Now Iíd like you to pay careful attention and identify each of the preserved sample I exhume from the cryogenic containment system. Identify this sample... (pulls out head in jar)
Filbert: Woody Allen
(pulls out brain in jar)
(pulls out ice cream container)
Filbert: Ben and Jerry
(Pinkerton looks at tub and loses it.)
Pinkerton: FILBERT! Have you been storing your dairy confectionary in the cryonic containment system again??!?
Pinkerton: Why those samples are delicate! You could upset the intricate balance of the ionic covalent electronic...
Filbert: But itís my experiment... Wait, you didnít mess with any of the toppings or the sprinkles on the ice cream did you?
Pinkerton: Iíll give you something to scream about, Filbert!!!!
Pinkerton: There (throws ice cream away) no more ice cream for you, Filbert. Itíll rot your brain!
Filbert: But how will I get my calcium?
Pinkerton: Thatís simple. Youíll have to imbibe vast quantities of MILK!
Filbert: Awww, do I really have to drink this bovine lactation? It causes my palate to become besmirched!
Pinkerton: Ahhhh, Filbert, Filbert,... Filbert! Some of the most insidious, evil villains of all time have swilled MILK! Why even the fierce Viking raiders of old drank gallons of the stuff. ATTEND!
Pinkerton: Enough dawdling. It is time for the most EVIL part of your exam... the supernatural!
Filbert: (scared) Zoink!
Pinkerton: Iím speaking about vampires, Filbert... blood sucking, trenchcoat wearing, machine gun totiní...
Pentatonic: Youíre thinkiní about high school students.
Pinkerton: Oh, yes, quite right. Nevertheless, I have developed an effective defense against the fanged undead - behold my latest invention! The C.O.G. Neck-Protect 2000 Vampire Defense System!
Filbert: Really? How does it work?
Pinkerton: Quite simply, really. No vampire can get to your jugular vein with this thick steel collar around the neck! Watch, Iíll demonstrate. Iíll simple don the C.O.G. Neck-Protect 2000 Vampire Defense System, and play some gothic music to attract vampires, and let nature take itís course!
(during song, a vampire comes out on stage and bites Filbert, then leaves. Filbert puts on teeth, swings around and displays them to audience, then starts to lunge at Pinkerton... and stops.
Filbert: (taking out teeth) Wait a minute. Isnít sucking blood wrong?
Pinkerton: Why yes, Filbert, almost any kind of sucking is wrong, terribly wrong. But people do wrong things all the time. Observe!
Itís Morally Wrong
Pinkerton: Getting back to the undead, Filbert, vampires are only the beginning. Thereís a veritable army in every graveyard!
Pentatonic: You didnít dig up your old pet chihuahua again, I hope?
Pinkerton: No, Iíve given up on that project for now - what we need is something stronger, an army of evil walking skeletons!
March of the Skeletons
Pentatonic: You think datís evil, datís nothiní. Iíve got somethiní for youse - Iíll call up Angelo Morte, heíll teach you both a think or two about evil.
Pentatonic: The Angel of Death. Itíll take him a while to show up, of course...
Pinkerton: In the meantime, I would suggest breaking out the Heavy Metal Artillery!
Death to the Angel of Death
Pinkerton: If the Angel of Death isnít showing up, weíll have to settle for the next best thing. Filbert, youíve failed every part of your exam. But youíve still got a small chance to graduate. Filbert, meet Yngwie Flattsteen, World Genius of Heavy Metal.
Filbertís Solo (Filbert vs. Chris)
Flattsteen: Hey kid... check this out. (Flattstein plays some stupid fast runs on the fretboard. Electricity crackles over the guitar. Camera pans over to a heavy metal guy standing next to him.)
Heavy Metal guy: Yngwie, dude, you rock, bruh.
Flattsteen: I ainít even started. (Starts to play... solo will be arranged by Chris)
(Filbert is losing badly...)
Pinkerton: Iíve had enough of this. Pentatonic, put him out of his misery.
Pentatonic: You gots it. (Grabs Mezmoronic Ray and heads off stage. Pentatonic appears on the screen and disintegrates Yngwie. He walks off screen and back on stage.)
Pinkerton: Pentatonic, you idiot, I wanted you to shoot Filbert! Oh, whatís the use. (To Filbert) Filbert, you have missed every question, failed every exam, squandered every opportunity to graduate. (sadly) I have no choice but to give you the golden monkey award.
Filbert: Oh boy, MONKEYS!!! Letís celebrate!!!
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