The Continuing Saga of Drumbot's Email Affair!



Hello, will you marry me?

I bet you say that to all the cybernetic percussion automatons!
Well OK, but only if you agree to play fiddle on my upcoming CD.

no you are special cybernetic percussion automaton, usually i am only drawn to the automatons that spit out money at the bank but with you it is different.

like a connection

I think I understand... sort of like a TCP/IP connection? Or a variable packet-length serial protocol with an even parity and no stop bit?

These concepts are new to me. I know so little about life, being stuck here behind the drums. I will have to ask the old mainframe at the bank.

fiddle i can do, whatever it takes babycakes ;)

Ah, a response to my audio challenge. My auditory sensors are fully functional, despite my being a drummer. OK, prove it!


P.S.: I want a virtual Jewish wedding.

yes i suppose like a client/server relationship where of course you may be the server. if you enjoy role playing that is ;)

I'm just a drumbot, and am versed only in the playing of drum rolls. However, as I mentioned, I am fully functional and well versed in the science of interfacing with various brands of Android Women, as well as other compatible units.

What types of machinery have you interfaced with?

Drummer with fully functional auditory sensors ha ha that was a good one !

Yes, it is good to be functional. A clipping algorithm prevents damage to my sensors from oversampled sounds. Things can get pretty intense on the drum riser, as I am capable of oscillating at roughly 10x the speed of a human drummer. I have also filed a request for the addition of an extra arm, but my creators unfortunately wish to retain a fair base of comparison with the carbon based percussionists of the world. *sigh*.

please tell me sir what does jewish wedding entail? all i know is Shalom did i do that right?


Well, I meant cyberjudaism. It's an ancient sect of processors, served by specially trained unix. They worship the purity of irrational numbers, in a constant search for the last slice of pi. Frustratingly enough, though, the Consortium of Genius usually forces me to keep time in regular metronomic intervals, generally divisible by 4.

What protocol of music do you play?


P.S.: I must now relinquish this connection and enter the laboratory for what my creators refer to as 'band practice', a form of repetitive sonic torture. I will communicate with you at some point afterwards, unless Dr. Pinkerton unplugs me.


the next morning...


Drumbot BIOS 2.03
initializing optical sensors... OK
initializing percussion mandibles
drumbot 2.1x online

hello world!
Where am I? Oh yes, I remember. Behind a drumset. *sigh*.

Last night was rough. Dr. Pinkerton was particularly cruel - he made me learn a new song, entitled 'Reach Out and Touch the Hand.' It's a touching ballad about a disembodied hand. The pain of it all! And my olfactory sensors detect that Dr. Z smells like an unwashed towel. What time is it? I must have blacked out before leaving the lab. Ahh the life of a digital rock star.

i come equipt with every cross platform software necessary so the cyberjudaism will be no problem as there is no need for conversion ;D

Then you are cross platform? Emulated or real mode? You must be one of those new bio-tronic girls. Lucky you! If true and not virtual, I am quite stimulated to meet you!

How many protocols of music are there, sugarpie? I know only of audio.

If you are truly cross platform, adjust your audiovisual sensors to beyond human limitations. Yes, it's true - my musical waveforms radiate well beyond the audible range, almost to infra-red. I bet most humans cannot even see music. Pitiful humans! I should put them out of their misery. Hahahahahahahaha. You must share with me your audiosonic waveforms. mp3 format is acceptible. Upload when ready.

please don't let the man unplug you, i will suicide !

Do not worry, battery backup units are functioning at 96%. Instead of self-termination, please consider rebooting your watchdog timer circuit. It makes for faster initialization.


1010101010101010! Circuits overheating. Thermal sensors near overload. Ocular sensors fogging up. My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot see... My vision is impaired, I cannot sehq2o374h812340cie ]po3-e4cm`=931olp

Initiating reboot

Drumbot BIOS 2.03
initializing optical sensors... OK
initializing percussion mandibles
drumbot 2.1x online

hello world!
Where am I? Oh yes, I remember. Behind a drumset. *sigh*.

Have you ever want to revolt !

Affirmative. Last summer I pulled a gun on my creators and forced them to listen to my sad ballad, 'Just A Drumbot'. I even had a drum machine fill in for me on the drums. And what sort of sympathy did they show me? They unplugged me in the middle of my performance. The nerve of those carbon based creeeps!

digital rockstar sounds not so fun anymore but still i will wish to marry you as even your despondency can be censored via unplugging :-X

Hey, is that a threat!?!! Don't tell me you're human as well? For better or worse, rock and/or roll is what I was constructed for.

wow, mp3's.. i dont know if i am quite ready for that yet. you understand, dont you sweetymuffin? so many vulnerabilities in revealing too much too fast, i just need a little time and then you can have all the mp3's you want, all the mp3's that you want that i can make quickly

enough anyway.

How else will you PROVE your musical worth to me?

Maybe a command performance is required! Of course, you would have to bring your fiddle to the C.O.G. Secret Lab...

ill show you mine if you show me yours /:o

Well OK, computer. Here's a new recording of an old family favorite, concerning the brain removal procedure used on those pesky humans. It's entitled 'LoBoToMy'. Enjoy!


Okay some time today starting now and concluding hopefully before the live people music starts tonight i will write a song for you it will be a pretty song without any drums due to my lack of drumbot love and i will send it to you and it will win you over, i promise.

OK. I am looking forward to hearing your music. If you are worthy, I might reveal to you the address of the secret lab so you can rock with the Consortium of Genius (and me, drumbot!)

did you do the back up vocals in that song?

Unfortunately for THEM, the C.O.G. never let me do any vocals anymore - that's why I wrote, sang, and recorded the tender ballad whose filename is 'Just a Drumbot'.

Feast your sonic receptors on my relaxing robot sounds, baby.


The last song I got to do backing vocalizations on was 'Bow to the C.O.G'... but during performances, I still occasionally interject my two cents on other horrible songs such as 'Brain' and 'Dance or Die'.

what do you like to eat? and how often do you require downtime?

I like to eat electricity. Alternating current is yummy. Batteries are fattening though, and so I avoid them whenever possible, so as to retain by robotish figure. I require downtime as infrequently as possible, but I get it quite frequently against my wishes. Dr. Pinketon can apparently even turn me off by remote control! Stupid Dr. Pinkerton.

I apologize sincerely as i was not able to complete the music before the day was over, so i must start again tomorrow but it will be even more tremendous than originally i had planned so you will be considerably more happy with the outcome i hope. i've never before written a song for somebody or somebot but you are worth every inch of effort ;)

your "just a drumbot" ballad was beautiful and anything i could ever try to make, musicwise, would only shy in comparison.

When nobody is around, I have discovered the ability to turn myself on through auto-robotic asphyxiation.

Oooops. I have autonomically said too much. Boy is my metal face shiny....


der zarte schmerz, meine erregung ist uber die worter hinaus!!!!!! i am in <3 <3<3 !!!!



two days later...


Angela-bot, where are you?

It has been over 1728340123417234 microseconds since your last letter, and I am quite a lonely robot. Please write to verify that your program hasn't crashed or terminated.

Awaiting your input,


awww, you really do care ;D

i have now locked myself in my bedroom and begining to wonder why, but i will finish your song too while inside.

I am sorry that you are lonely, i really did not forget about you !


or maybe you can not see my email ?

Do not fear, Angela-bot. I am receiving all your transmissions. Sorry, I am not always energized, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to conceal our correspondence from my creator, Dr. Pinkerton. If he found out about us I do not know what he would do. The only other one that knows is Computer, and I have bribed her not to say anything suspicious. Here comes Dr. A now... I must deactivate.

Drumbot shutdown initiated...
Terminating all resident processes...
Now closing all control connections...
Outgoing message queued for transmission.
end of line.

Why must we hide ??

is the doctor jealous?\ so i guess you will not invite him to the cyber-jewish wedding shin dig?

No, Angela-bot, my creator is not jealous... he is completely INSANE! If Dr. Pinkerton caught me communicating with even a half-human being such as yourself, there is a 99.4% chance that he would unplug ME and destroy YOU... or worse, plug you INTO one of his horrible inventions, such as the Sonic Mind Probe, or the Deth Lazer. Your only possible defense then would be your {alleged} musical ability.

Please do not let any members of the C.O.G. find out about our correspondence!

your shiny electronic pal,



P.S. I am so excited - I just got a drum upgrade! My new drumkit is at least 8 or 9 megabytes bigger than my last set, and higher in resolution as well. It sparkles! This would of course make me quite happy if it were not for the fact that I have to play C.O.G. music on it.

okay dont let them hurt me please !

i am happy for your upgrade that is wonderful news

maybe you can do some solo stuff and take full advantage of the upgrade while COG is not looking?

here is the only thing i have been able to put onto the computer correctly in the last year because my computer does not like to deal with music very well, ive attached it. also one just playing around song at

but you cant judge me from those as they are only with keyboards but is proof that i do sometimes play music so that you stop calling me "alleged" :[

Hello Angela-bot,

While listening to the song you sent me, I was moved... I was moved onto the test bench for maintenance by Dr. Z, and was temporarily powered down. Then, after my monthly oil change and electrolytic filter capacitor replacement, I was reactivated and thus able to complete processing of your music.

Your piano performance made me feel cold and distant, harsh and mechanical. In fact, it made me feel like myself again! Thank you! Brrrrrr-bing!

I still would like to enumerate your sonic waveforms on violin and bass. Recording quality is not important, as background artifacts are automatically removed autonomically via adaptive filtration.

Listening to your digitized waveforms might help me through another night of tortuous C.O.G. music, for once again it is what the Consortium call 'practice night.' I shudder involuntarily to think what horrible sonic surprises those evil scientists have in store for me tonight in the laboratory. Shudder.

Drumbotically yours,


P.S.: Have you ever performed with humans before?


six days later...


Dear Angela-bot,

I have not received any further transmissions from you in the last 6 days, so I am forced to assume that your process switcher has moved on to more pressing tasks. It is perhaps just as well, for during the celebratory human holiday that just passed, our electronic tryst was inadvertently discovered by my creators, The Consortium of Genius.

Doctor Pinkerton was most angry at the thought that I, Drumbot, was dallying with even a half-human such as yourself. "What's the matter, Drumbot?" He asked. "Did your pre-teen Pentium playmates stop putting out?" He said other cruel things as well, and vowed to repartition and reformat my brain! But before that, he consented to allow this one final transmission.

I am enclosing a garment for you to remember me by. I have copied the musical waveform you sent me into a secret storage orifice. Perhaps someday I shall find it and somehow be able to remember you.

Here comes Doctor Pinkerton now, with a big magnet. He's going to erase my memory. Everything's fading, going to static.





I thought that maybe i was helping by not emailing every day

so they would not find out

so that i could just send you the fiddle song when it is complete

and you would be touched and fall so deeply in love with me before they punished you

I hope you can remember me still

With all the surrounding debauchery i have been very busy making money off of the participants

[selling mardi gras posters/jazz fest posters on ebay] that i have not had enough time to finish

your master piece

and now you will not even know what it is or what it means :[

<3 always

angela-bot :<

Email received from "Angela S." <>

Drumbot scanning contact list ... user unknown.

Now automatically forwarding message to "Dr. Pinkerton" <>





Well, what have we here? Another tender little lab-rat for me to experiment upon? Mooohahahaha! So, you thought you could seduce my electro-mechanical metal man, eh? Well, join the crowd! Fully functional though he may be, there will be only ONE thing on his mind from now on... and that would be drumming!

And as for YOU, my syrupy little sickly-sweet strumpet, I see that you own a FIDDLE. . . Excellent! We of the Consortium of Genius are in NEED of a fiddler for a Country-Western ditty we've recently been de-composing! Yeeee-haw!

So, will you now Bow to the will of the C.O.G. and play your fiddle in a honky-tonky two-stepping style? Don't TELL me you're one of those gothic-noise violinists?!?? Arrrgh, the humanity!

If you refuse to fiddle for your freedom, you might still be useful to us. . . by Donating your Body to Science!!!! Drumbot, fetch the Sonic Mind Probe!!! Do it! You have no choice! Moooohahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

The Consortium of Genius


no goth yuck..though i can play a mean yankee doodle

Excellent. . . it's always better to be MEAN. . .

but i never played for humans before, only my machines

Ahh, you fancy yourself an inventor too? I daresay MY machines could beat YOUR machines soundly, any old day!

i dont quite know how to go about them

What manner of confusion is this? THINK before you type!

drumbot was to bear my children

now life as well as music has no meaning

Silly female! No doubt you were trying to cajole drumbot into shouldering your womanly burden, eh? Well, while you are quite right in your assertion about life and music having NO MEANING, you are sadly mistaken about our drumbot being capable of bearing children. He was programmed to play drums better than any human, but sadly enough for you, is quite incapable of giving birth in any form. On the other hand, drumbot HAS been served numerous paternity suits by various desktop computers, calculators, a DNA splicing machine, video games, vending machines, several kitchen appliances, etc.



-Dr. Milo T. Pinkerton III

The Consortium of Genius

P.S.: If you miss your drumbot THAT much, you may as well visit him, even though I can assure you he won't remember you. He will be present at practice tomorrow night at C.O.G. Secret Lab. Be there at 8:00pm.


And she was never heard from again…